Letting people live their lives and GALing...

[AntoniaB]

I'm going to change the subject to something that has been eating at me...and I notice that I originally named my thread "letting people live their lives..."

I have made a big discovery in the past few weeks, and it is making me stuck in a way and I have to unstick myself.

I believe that my friends and family--that is my friends who knew me before the bomb--have "taken over" in many ways for my XH. They haven't taken over for the physical needs--I am self-sufficient and live alone and I'm fine with everything in that regard. But emotionally, they have all sort of become these coddling caretakers, and it's really starting to stifle me something fierce. I feel like I am still battling a form of codependency--an emotional codependency--and it's because they have become the confidants and worrywarts.

Example: When married, if I was anxious about something, I'd vocalize this to my XH. Then he'd tell me to not do it or back out of it. He'd say that if it causes me stress, to just not do it, or he'd not say that, but he'd encourage me to get out of it by throwing out a lot of "well, what if THIS happens" type statements.

The same thing happens now with friends and family. Anything I express the least bit of hesitancy or anxiety about, people are trying to talk me out of what I've said I would do or want to do, or they are offering all sorts of scary "what if" scenarios that are really meant to make me back out of the thing.

I've also had a problem my whole life with "what if" scenarios and future projections. Everyone knows this about me. But they just keep reinforcing this to me. The guy I have been seeing, who I've had a disagreement with, but who has patched things up with me, well he has decided to move very close by. This is entirely out of my control. I never had one second of input on his decision. I knew he was looking at places. One day he called to say he was looking at a place very close to me. I said "that's nice." Then a few days later he asked if I'd look at it with him. I did. I said nothing other than to agree that it was a nicely kept place. He was ecstatic, said it was what he wanted, and told the realtor. After we left the house, I said to him, "Are you sure you want to live that close to me?" He said "sure, neighbor, this is the best house that I've looked at and I'll be closer to work than I ever was. It's perfect."

2 weeks went by, I said no more about it. He told me today he signed the lease.

I can guarantee this has nothing to do with me. I am sure he is happy to know he has a friend nearby, but we have just had some dates over a two month period. We aren't even "in a relationship" and still really just getting to know one another.

But my friends and family are freaking out over this. The what if scenarios are out of control. "What if he hurts you in some way and then you can't feel you can live in your house in that town, that town is YOUR SPACE, it's YOUR SANCTUARY, and now HE is there..."

I repeat, I did nothing at all to interfere or encourage his moving. He was planning to move here BEFORE we were seeing each other. He just finally made it happen now. Just chance.

This is just one of many examples. But it's like, really getting to me. I feel like every move I make or don't make, there are a ton of voices in my head, the voices of my friends and family, and yes they are saying these things out of concern, but it really is tying me in knots. I never get angry or react. Sometimes I just say look please stop the what ifs. I don't want to be ungrateful for the help.

But this kind of thing just enables my old codependency and anxiety. It makes me obsess about things. It makes me think if I do something that a bunch of people "expressed concern" about my doing, and it goes wrong, I'll have to "answer" to them for it, so I end up trying to do what they want and listen to what they say and discount my own voice.

I don't know where my voice begins and "their" voices end. I'm beyond confused.

I feel almost like I have to shut myself off from telling anyone anything anymore that I feel anxious about or have worry about. I feel like I will have to act like everything is perfect all the time and that I have no inner struggles, because the minute I voice one, their voices start.

The thing is that I've tried this before, not confiding in them. Guess what? Then I get the whole "uh oh she is withdrawing, she is DEPRESSED!!!!"

And that's not it at all.

I just can't stand that when the bomb dropped, I had a very normal reaction to it. Just like all of us did. We went through something beyond horrific. And I've worked so hard to get myself together and I have. It doesn't mean I don't have bad days, but gosh I really know how to negotiate them and I get myself together fast. But it's never enough. These people always see me as "a vase about to shatter." My sister said that about me...that I was a vase that shattered and was held together with glue and threatening to shatter any minute again."

And I told her more than once that that vase is gone and I'm a whole new vase and she doesn't believe me. I actually thought that my putting my own cat down a few weeks ago entirely alone would make people see that I could handle my own life, but it made no difference. They still coddle me.

It makes me think that XH isn't the only one who made me a codependent.

But what advice does anyone have? I feel like I need to withdraw from people because I want to know what my own thoughts and decisions are and not be influenced by theirs so much. I don't seem to be capable of listening to them go on and on and not then internalize it, so maybe I should find a way not to listen, which might mean not discussing anything personal at all.