Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[AntoniaB]

I don't think she's really being nice or civil especially in the first message, that one is still a bit on edge sounding. I think she's just not being vile and mean-tempered directly.

I don't think it means anything other than what they all seem to do eventually which is to make themselves feel even more like Mr. or Mrs. Nice Guy by not acting deliberately rude and talking trash.

My XH used to hold up this type of behavior of his own to me as some sort of "evidence" that he really was a good guy despite the infidelity. He used to say things like "look, I could be mean or saying mean things to you or about you, but look at me, I'm not. I'm civil. I am polite. You could have worse. This makes me BETTER than other guys who walk away from a marriage."

I might be wrong, but I get a strong sense that you're waiting for her to come back, that you're just sort of biding time and watching to see what kind of things she might be doing to show that her MLC is over and then she'll fix everything and it will all be fine.

The chances are that will not happen, and if it does, you're talking years down the road. It's just not been that long.

I agree with 25years, the new job is a good thing, but you need new friends, new activities, new plans. A new life. That she isn't part of other than what you have to include her in as co-parent.

The new friends thing is a big one. I noticed that when I started hanging out with people who never met XH or knew me in my former life that I never talked about him with them. They just didn't care, and I just didn't feel I should bring him up. They were like "that's past history." "You're not the woman now you were with him."

And they treat me VERY differently. People from my past all treat me with kid gloves. They always act like the second I'm a bit off that I'm cycling into major depression. They are so paranoid that I might fall apart again that they coddle me and try to keep me from experiencing life in any way or taking any risks. They also compare anyone I meet to my XH. "Oh you don't want that guy, he's got this attribute like your XH." Or if I show even the slightest bit of attachment on any level to someone they start acting like I am "backsliding." I know they mean well but it's getting absurd. They have no trust that the person I am now is me.

The new people I am around completely reinforce all the GOOD behaviors I have learned and don't recall the old ones or bring my old ones out. They can't--they don't know me as a codependent. They tend to be people who are like "go for it!!" with anything I say I want to do.

You can try to change yourself all you want, but you also have to change to some extent the people around you. I'm certainly not saying let people from your past go, not at all...but until they get with the program and start reinforcing your new hopefully non-codependent self, or at least the self that is moving in that direction, you need people who reinforce the more independent you.