New On This Journey

[JoyfulGirl]

Hi everyone. I'm new to the forum and have been reading through the various topics over the past couple days. There's such loving reassurance and support in this community and I'm so glad to have found you all.

My story: H and I have been married 12 years, together for 20. No kids. I'm 40, he's 39. Our relationship has been on the rocks for several years. While we get along very well and respect one another greatly, it's been becoming apparent that we fundamentally differ in our life philosophies and goals. Honestly, we've probably always known on some level the ways we differ in our views and goals, but like so many want to believe, "love will conquer all".

I was a late bloomer in a lot of ways throughout my life. I went back to school when I was in my 30's and finally got on a true career path only a couple of years ago. I'm the type of person who identifies strongly with my work. I've never been very domestically-inclined and this has been a point of contention between H and I. I've never felt very strongly about starting a family whereas H has always wanted to have children someday. As I've gotten older and more settled in my work, I've thought less and less about having children. Although neither of us has truly initiated a serious discussion about planning for a family over the years, it was kind of like the elephant in the room. No one really said anything, but the issue was there and growing into a dealbreaker.

Add to that a growing distance between H and I...in the sense that we hardly do things together as a couple (I willingly take some blame here; my motivation for initiating couple time/activity is not super high). We spend most of our down time together, at home, but each doing their own thing. Not a healthy pattern, but its kind of where we evolved to. Also, in the past year, my 80 year old father has been progressing along with dementia and while he currently lives at home alone, I am there every night to give him his meds, make sure all is ok.

A few times over the past couple years, H has told me it feels to him that I am not into the marriage and truthfully, I can see how he'd have those feelings. Whenever he brought this up before, I'd argue and tell him he is wrong...and then go through a short period of demonstrating otherwise...attempting to be more "domestic" and "wifely". Of course, then I'd start to resent H a bit...thinking he should love me for me and not for some idealized version of what a "good wife" is supposed to be. The cycle would wax and wane.

Sometimes I would question myself (and still do), wondering if perhaps I'm just not cut out to be married. I absolutely love my H and never in a million years want to see him hurt or in any kind of pain. He is my best friend in the world, my family, my rock. But, I can see how my non-traditional approach to our marriage would cause H distress. Clearly our expectations on marital roles and expectations differ. So, its no wonder my H would have felt the way he has.

This past Monday, he told me he was leaving and wanted a divorce. He said he can't live this way anymore and feels I solely made the decision for us to never have kids. He loves me and will always be there for me, but there are things in life he wants that he knows he's never going to have with me. I can't say I was completely blindsighted, but the pain of all of this is burning through me. We were able to discuss the situation (him leaving) pretty rationally and I told him that while I believe a separation is probably a good thing for us right now, I didn't want to throw away 20 years just like that. I suggested counseling and he agreed. He slept on the couch that night and on Tuesday, he moved out.

I made an appointment with a marriage counselor for us which will be this coming Tuesday. H and I have spoken and seen each other briefly just about every day since he left. While he's agreeable to the counseling, he has told me that unless the counselor can perform some magical act, he doesn't want to be married anymore. He's already looking online into options for divorce proceedings, told me the best course would likely be for us to pursue a "no contest" divorce. I told him I feel that is setting us up for failure going in. I'd like to commit to at least several months of counseling (both as a couple and also for myself) before any definitive plan to D is pursued. He seems reluctant about this.

I want to be realistic, but at the same time, I don't want to just give up on my marriage. Maybe in H's eyes, I already did give up so this is the inevitable path for us to travel. I just don't know exactly how I feel about anything anymore. I'm questioning my priorities, my identity, my ability to love, care for and nurture any relationship. Maybe I *am* selfish...maybe I suck at marriage...maybe I'm lazy. I'm feeling like a failure and above all, I absolutely hate that I hurt my husband so much. I want him to be happy because he deserves it and I guess deep down inside I feel if his happiness can't be found with me, then perhaps this is all for the best.

I'm sure I sound wishy-washy and this confusion is typical at this stage. I'm open to any words of wisdom or advice and thank you for reading through this!