I like to explain myself fully so this may ramble on a touch but please bare with me!!
I had been with my now ex GF for 7.5 years and have 2 amazing kids S7 and D4, and was blissfully unaware of any "real" issues in our relationship - we got on well, rarely argued, regular holidays and good family and friends around us.
Out of the blue in January she dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb and declared she was leaving as she was "not happy anymore" after I found that she had been looking for places to rent online.
The last 4-5 months have been the worst of my life, an emotional rollercoaster that shows no sign of slowing down right now.
I made all the standard mistakes and have continued to beg, plead, cry, send letters and texts wish I know has probably only turned her further away from me.
I did reach a point in March when I had backed off and then got a call from her to say that she thought she might want to make things work - went out on one date and then she changed her mind again which sent me hurtling back to square one.
I initially went into blame mode and poured all the anger, fear and frustration onto my ex - accusing her of abandoning the family, not trying, giving up, putting herself before anyone else - the first 2 months were an awful time for both of us and our kids who took things very hard, she was (and with educated hindsight still is) a fantastic mother.
These feelings were not helped by her being unable to explain why she was so unhappy "its just something inside me that I cant explain right now" "I need to do this to be happy" etc etc
I have rocked from one theory to the next - "she missed out on her youth settling down so young" "she doesnt want to be a mum anymore" "is there another man" - but over the last few weeks our dialogue and this site have introduced me to the WAS "syndrome" and all of a sudden it hit home.
I always thought of myself as a good catch - good job, a good dad, trustworthy and faithful, but I had become complacent that all the material things we had were enough to keep us together forever.
Since the split my ex had accused me of "not treating her like a gf" and not doting on her whilst we were together and now I have had time to reflect and think things over I can see all the times when I had done this, when I belittled her feelings (I got engaged but then told her I had no desire to get married, when I really and truly did not treat her for what I now realise she is - the most important person in my world (daughter apart).
I have shown her some details of the WAW syndrome and she agrees that this is what has happened to us - she grew tired of asking for things to change, tired of trying, and ultimately my complacency led to her switching off emotionally to the point where walking away is a more attractive option (even though she has really struggled with things aswell).
She says she cannot see us getting back together "at the moment", she still asks where I have been and who with (she now lives in a rented place whilst I am in the family home)but would not rule out getting back together at some point - stating simply that at this moment in time she cannot see a way forward for us.
To me, this is all classic WAW behaviour and my realisation of where I have gone wrong is eating away at me - if she would give me the chance to prove myself (yes, I know I had the chance when we were together)I would happily spend the rest of my life making it up to this woman.
I placed emphasis on the things I thought were important in life and paid no attention to her emotional needs.
I am starting to make positive changes, reducing the number of times I go out, spending real quality time with the kids, keeping the house immaculate (one of her gripes since we split is that I let the house go after she left and she has actually said "dont think I havent been watching to see if you change")
My question is - how do I move forward and try to win her back, I fully understand that it has to be a natural progression and not feel forced because that will not work.
I also appreciate that at the moment we are probably to early in the split to reconcile as 2 fully healed individuals ready to put the past behind us and start afresh - but I am afraid that if I do not pursue her vocally she will think I do not care and will move on to something new?
Stop your pursuit, it is counterintuitive but it really is the one thing that you can DO.
She is asking for SPACE, give it to her. Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Cadet, if I could have heard that advice and really taken it to heart 10 months ago, I would be living in a much different world.
Welcome, R33. Cadet is right. If you want to DO something, give her space. Read some other people's threads. Tell us what is going on in your situation.
Another thing you can DO is start reading some books. And anything to GAL.
- All for the kids - Me:34, W:35 M:7, T:13 S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage July 2011 "I think I need a separation" W filed D September Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Read Divorce Remedy. Go to the LRT tactic. Read the Five Love Languages (Chapman). Read the New Rules Of Marriage (Real). Read How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About IT (Love/Stosny). If you can afford it, get telephone coaching.
I echo both respones, BACK OFF. WAY OFF. If you are texting or e-mailing for the sake of the kids, that is all you should include. Be correct, but less is more here.
Above all, know that this will get better. Everyone says so because it is true. I am also about 10 months into a very similar situation with a WAW and the only thing you can do is work on being a person only a fool would leave. There is hope.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
I was a WAW, so I understand a bit of what your wife is feeling. You have an amazing chance here because she has said she wants to work on it and you haven't moved on emotionally. This is wonderful. You may think that you've ruined things. You may have think that you have done irrevocable damage but everything starts right now. And your right now is a GREAT starting place.
Don't talk to her about the relationship at all. It may kill you. But don't bring up WAW, don't bring up how you've changed, don't talk about it AT ALL. If you spend all your time focusing on that, you won't start enjoying each other's company.
You mentioned that you realised that you put material things over quality time. Continue to recognise those things that you want to change that will make you a better person and better father whether you two get back together or not. She will notice. Don't talk about them.
As a WAW the minute my H stopped looking for me for any sort of validation in his life and started doing his own thing it turned my world upside down.
Post often even if it's just journaling. If you feel like texting or calling her don't come here and then see if you feel the same way 24 hours later. Read other people's threads...the advice they receive will help you. Everyone is very understanding and helpful.
Thanks for the replies - its good to hear from people who have been through the same and especially "from the other side" in Brits' case.
Just one thing tho - she hasnt said she wants to work on it at this point, just that she cant see us being together at the moment, but she wouldnt rule it out either - even now I feel like she is communicating without actually communicating if that makes sense.
I have only contacted her about arrangements for the kids this last week, and I try to be breezy, pleasant and polite wherever possible and in all honesty I have felt much better within myself because of it.
I miss her terribly though, and I still worry that she may notice the changes but then meet someone else and in all honesty I am not sure how I would cope with that - but maybe I just need to concentrate on the here and now rather than stressing myself out with images of a future that may not even happen!!
As a question for you Brit - did you feel that you didnt have "that feeling" for your H anymore? And how long did it take you to realise that maybe deep down you really did have those feelings, how long did it take your H to detach and stop pursuing?
Thanks for taking the time to reply, it is a great help!!
And just one of my other questions - one of her main issues is that I didnt dote on her - how can I do this when we live apart now and without pressuring!??
I'm a nearly-WAW who is trying not to be one (hoping to get this thing back on track before I bail, because I don't think I'd go back).
I'm projecting a bit, but if you can maintain the breezy, upbeat tone and at the same time say something like, "oh, the kids and I are going to the movies as a reward for ..." and include some chore you have done together that used to be only her responsibility. Like cleaning the first floor or cleaning up and organizing their rooms, maybe. I'm trying to think of a breezy way you can convey that you understand that the work she did was something of note, something extra and not as fun as watching TV or shopping or whatever.
I would be VERY careful not to overdo it, though. Once a month is often enough, or it will start to sound forced.
In terms of doting on her without pressuring, have you tried a light compliment or noticing something about her appearance? Even something as casual as, "Hey Susan, that's a good color on you, thanks for dropping off the kids" would work. Breezy, light, and casual are important I think in every interaction.
After she walked away she said she wanted to work on things and you guys went on a date right? In my mind that means she hasn't shut the door. Since moving out has she brought up filing for divorce? If not I'd say that's a good sign. She's said that she's watching for changes either she's sadistic and just wants you to feel paranoid or that's a positive thing!
I'm not sure what you're asking did I feel that I didn't have that feeling? I think for awhile in our relationship years even we stopped seeing ourselves as equals. Something happened that I haven't talked about on the board that triggered a massive insecurity thing for me and he felt like I'd never forgive him (no not an infidelity) when I finally pulled the trigger and ended it my self esteem was at an all time low. I was being rejected physically, emotionally, and thru spending time by the man I had chosen above all others to spend my life with. I was hurt I was angry I felt like a failure I felt unloved, unwanted, and embarrassed that we'd have to tell our friends and family. With all of that going on I had no room to consider his feelings or even think about my feelings for him. My feelings for myself had come second for years!!! It took me about 4 months but that could have gone on for ever. There is no timeline. It's about people putting the work in. Many of us come to DB and look at it like a recipe if I DB at 180 for 3 months then my M will be perfect. So you try to 180 and GAl but it's not genuine or honest. I can almost tell you to the day that he stopped feeling sorry for himself. He wasn't pursuing me. I thought he didn't really care too much that I'd ended it...when he just did all his grieving in private. But I can tell you he picked himself up he started making choices and decisions and even said I feel like for the first time in years life isn't just happening around me.
I know what you're feeling because when I came around he's moved on and I cried like a mad woman. And I told myself it can't hurt any worse than this and two days later I'd be right there sobbing even harder thinking it does hurt worse now. I felt panic-y, I was fixated, more than anything I felt lost. I don't really relber much of March to mid April.
Start reading self help books, take the focus from what she's doing to who you are! I know it's hard. He told me so much about GF tv commercials make me think of them. But you have to focus on you! You have to come first. You'll force yourself at first and then it gets easier.