Well Sandi, and others - the path is becoming more clear. Allow me to share the last 15 hours of my life.....
So last night I texted W to see if she was around. I asked her to call after she put S down for the night if she could. She texts "what's up?". I just respond that I just wanted to talk - nothing threatining, no arguments. Again, she texts "what's up?". I replied just trying to get a better understanding of things. She replied that she was exhausted - I said that I could relate and that when she had time to talk I would be available. I told her that there were some things that I would appreciate her unput on that would help me figure some things out (bad word choice?) and told her specifically that it was not about the legal stuff at all.
After that, she never replied and did not call.
This morning, she called me as I was pulling out of our edition. I didn't feel that her being at work and me being on the road would be the best time to discuss - but clearly she wanted to know what was going on in my mind - so I decided to go for it.
I asked her, essentially, what she felt/thought working on our relationship looked like to her. Told her that knowing that would be helpful to me. She never answered.
She immediately started to question why I was even asking. I can't dictate the whole conversation, but the gist of it was this -
She feels that I am applying some kind of pressure to her because of the settlement hearing on Monday - that the timing of me asking these questions is "suspect" - and then she said if she rewinds to the last time we had pending legal proceedings I wrote her that letter. So it is obvious she thinks that everything I am doing is some kind of ploy. I told her that it wasn't and that me reaching out to her had nothing to do with Monday....that Monday was going to happen either way. I said I hoped that she would trust me when I say that is not what I was doing. She reponded "I've told you before that I have very little trust in you - if I did we wouldn't be here".
She told me that she is not the one I should come to for advice or guidance in this situation. That I need to do what I think is right for me....that she never lead me on to think that there was some kind of "reunion" coming. Keep in mind, she was rather "passionate" with her delivery here, but I kept calm. I kept trying to re-ask the question - "what does working on R look like to you" - she still didn't give an answer.
I told her, calmly, that I had enjoyed hanging out with her, S - and doing things together. That even if it comes to D, I would want to continue doing that - continue working on the R.
In a nutshell, I think she was trying to tell me that
1.) She doesn't know what it would look like 2.) She thinks I am trying to run some kind of ploy in terms of negotiation of Monday (I told her Monday is going to be what it is) 3.) She still does not trust me
She said that it would be best that we have no contact until after the legal "stuff" is over. I will respect that. Don't know how much of that she meant and how much was said in the frustration she was feeling in the moment. Either way, I will respect it.
I came with the best of intentions, honestly. But she seemed to think otherwise. Sometimes I feel as though I just can't win. If I stay quiet I get anxious....if I speak up, then it's some kind of tactic or ploy. There is nothing you can do when the other person has no trust in you - despite the fact that I think I have done a lot to regain some of it.
She said again that she is still just trying to live things one day at a time, and struggling to do that. She felt that I was pressuring her.
I get it. It's time for me drop the rope and move on. It's just hard to do because I will miss her a lot - even though our interactions are limited.
Side note: I said in the conversation that I was trying to get a sense of what was best to do for my and S's life. She said rather firmly, "What do you mean by THAT?" - I explained, but still doubt if it registered.
Feeling rather defeated, but at least I have a better picture of what I need to do. Don't kow why I feel that pulling away will only make things worse (i.e. - "you were just making changes to call of divorce") - but I am thinking that is where I need to go right now.
