Yes, Snodderly, I do try and think positive, but there are moments ...

Anyway, some thoughts on my M and R with my H ... I'm still trying to make sense of it all. I got to thinking today that I'm not sure if I ever truly knew my H. He has always hidden his feelings and thoughts. He's not a spontaneous kinda guy that will just spill his guts about himself, not even when he's been drinking. He'd make a good spy. laugh He's been nice to me all this time. We've never been a couple who were mean to each other, mostly because he doesn't like confrontation, and any kind of R discussion is confrontation to him. I gave up asking or wanting to talk about "us" a long time ago. He won't (or can't) change. I don't think he ever truly loved me in that passionate way. I was fooling myself for 26 years, wishing things were different, hoping he will open up, but he never has. Now, I realize, finally, that he never will. Not to me anyway. I'm not sad about it anymore ... I have 3 fantastic children from him, and he was happy to be dad to my eldest since she was 4yo. I can't truly complain, and I don't. In the beginning, it was pretty good, but that only lasted a couple of years before he got addicted to porn, and that was an on again off again thing. Then he got help, but I didn't. I should've known that it would affect my sexual life. It did, and before I could get past it, he was having his emotional affair. We are always slipping past each other. Never quite on the same page. One day, I just asked him to tell me to my face whether he loved me or not, and he told me he did not. And here we are, a year since then. Not that he hasn't said that to me before when the bomb dropped. This time, I just didn't care. At least now I know. He was the one who begged to stay married, 7 years ago. I still don't know why. I love him still, but I'm not sure if I even know him, so I am very conflicted.

I'm over the anger, past the hoping stage, and just about done with staying together for no apparent reason. I keep thinking to myself whether I would want him, even if he wants me. I don't think I would. He's left things way way way too long. I doubt he would want to do the difficult work to restore our M, or even have a different one. And, as I've said before, I think he has someone else that he's investing his time and emotions to. It's just a feeling, and I have no proof, but ...

At this point, I'm just going with the flow, and seeing where things take me, with the idea that this summer is decision making time.

I am finally in my third year at uni ... taken me four years to get there. Ha! I am going to try and graduate in 2014. My D19 will graduating then too, and I don't want to steal her thunder, but I do think it awesome us graduating together.

End of lingering late late night thoughts. smile


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim