but you wont do the same

[AJM80]

H still will not talk about D. Avoids conversation, dodges texts and emails. I cannot bring myself to just file. It's nice to not be divorced, have his great insurance, and avoid that crappy stress of admitting I failed, that I sucked at being married. (false? I dunno, I think if you get divorced you suck at being married. Defeatist attitude today, don't feel that way normally) I know I will have to do it eventually...every time I get close to making a big deal out of it and forcing a convo, something (life) gets in the way. I may be a more passive person that I realized.

I'm a bit lonely and depressed, but kids have been sick the last few weeks, lots of money going into house, etc and it is all wearing on me. Joined church softball league. New job starts in June. House is going pretty well other than termites and some hail damage to the roof....lol. I know things will come back around once I stop waking up to sick, crying children at 2 am.

He was in town 2 weeks ago. We took kids to the zoo, shopping, playground, emergency run to the dr for son's burst eardrum. He was very present and a person I would want to be married to. He got up with the baby in the middle of the night, comforted our daughter, and was supportive, encouraging, and grateful of/for my parenting of our kids.

Jackass. Why can't he either stay the jerk who is 700 miles away screwing a stripper and taking life enrichment classes to find himself and get divorced OR man up consistently and be present for his "wife" and children? I know a lot of reasons why he will not and can guess reasons he thinks he can not. It's just frustrating.

I do not know what to do next, folks. Mostly, I am at peace with my current life. Appreciating what I have and getting through the crap (there's always some crap). There is a lot of wondering about where I want to end up. Perpetually informally separated, divorced/dating, divorced/remarried, etc. I don't want to get ripped apart like this again and may be hiding out.

Force the conversation and start filing?
Keep coasting along, being sort of friends and co-parents?
Coast along, but stop talking to him regularly? Very hard with a 2 and 4 year old to keep connected with skype and cell phone.

So what do I do?

Well, my daughter sounds like she's about to throw up all over her bed...so I guess that answers that question.