Going around in circles

[angel61]

Thank you Ctflor. It’s a beautiful insight, and an ideal we should all strive for.

We all hear about this in many words – letting go, detachment, unconditional love….. These all are concepts framed around freedom. We all strive for the high road, for the ideal situation. I think most of the time though we fall short, because of our human nature and the nature of the beast – by that I mean relationship problems.

Think about it: Relationships and freedom, by definition, are not really that compatible.

Relationships, no matter what kind, have some form of bondage built into them. The meaning of the word itself means a bond between two objects or beings. It is the willingness to be in one, to care for another, to be considerate, to listen when you have other things to do, that we have to make a choice on, thus that is the “freedom” we talk about. Even the idea of boundaries is puts a bond on the relationship. Practically speaking, raising a family and being parents means a degree of dependence on each other, and maybe our children being dependent on both of parents for different needs. Boundaries mean that we will only move within that defined circle to keep a relationship going.

Many of these dependencies are not absolute, but are meaningful. And if need be, one can exist without them, so it doesn’t mean to say that if a situation where really hurtful or harmful, that we will stubbornly insist that we have to keep the relationship.

For example: As a parent, I am the friend, the mentor, the creative one. My H is the caregiver, the disciplinarian, and the structured and consistent parent.

My D, for all of her 13 years, sees all of that. She opens her heart to me, we talk deeply, we have fun together. She is very close to her Dad too – she goes to him when I am being flaky, I can see how she finds so much solace and comfort in his steadiness.

And just like my D, I lean on my H to bring stability to my life, he enjoys the fun I bring to his.

Once, we were talking, and she was telling me how we both complete the picture for her, and how she would miss me so much, our talks, our fun times, but how she also pictures her dad more as a parent, but who would stifle her creativity and fun times!

So, it will always be painful to face the prospect of losing all of that. Even if say, one anticipated such a loss, I don’t think anyone could just immediately smile and not go through the stages of grief.

For some of us who have been in this situation for a long time, but especially for those who are still living with their MLC’ers or WAS, we probably experience this loss over and over again. Bomb drop. Discovering an OP. Reconciling, only to have them backslide.

I think of how many times I had thought I had detached, let go, then get reeled in again, start expecting. Then Bam! The other shoe drops. Let go, detach. Sometimes it’s a stepwise process. So far, mostly going down. And each time, there is another going through the stages of grief.

Maybe practice will make perfect???? For my latest loss, which I would say is the loss of hope that my H still loves me, the stages went by fast, although they were intense. I think right now I am already in acceptance, and feeling zen about it.