Talked to my best friend tonight and she said so you didn't mention anything? nothing about seeing her car or anything. And I said no. She said I was so scared you were going to say something.
I told her I didn't even have the slightest urge to say something. it wasn't like it was stewing underneath and I was holding myself back. If I did say something catty, bitchy, jealous, angry whatever then it would make this whole "she has feelings for me" dilemma pretty easy for him. He would think she's being crazy if she's acting like this we'd never work.
I think looking back on my life if I wasn't sure of an outcome and it meant I would be in that "uncomfortable zone" I would do something to force the outcome even if it wasn't in my favour. I would rather have something settled even if it wasn't what I wanted than wait it out. Is that self destructive? Is that controlling? I don't know but I'm not doing that anymore.
Forgot to say that this evening he felt like this (my feelings) put him in a weird place. I understand that this would be easier for him if I were being a crazy b*tch or if I had moved on and he didn't have to consider options. But that's not being honest. During that conversation I never said so how do you feel about that or is that something you'd consider or do you ever see us getting back together. I simply said I want you to know how I feel. I know you don't want to hurt me. I understand if you feel like you can't trust my feelings because I don't know if I would and yes I want to be your best friend. I'm proud of that conversation.
In other news you'd think he's signed up for a boy scout badge first he volunteers to do all this medical running around for me and tonight he volunteered to drive 100 miles round trip to pick up a piece of furniture if I win it on ebay.
I can honestly say that I feel like a massive shift has happened. Even in my R conversation with him, it was totally different. Discussing his time with GF totally different. I feel so much more emotionally stable dealing with him. I'm not thinking that I want to act a certain way or say a certain thing because it might make him think of R or find me attractive or whatever. Just being me. Letting him be him. Accepting this new relationship we have.
