Not sure where to start, Part 3

[wishing, hoping]

Thing is I don't know if he will ever come back around. Every time he looks at me I can see the pain in his face. He is ashamed and guilty, but that just makes him run away faster. And it seems the happier I am, the more ashamed and guilty it makes him feel.

His excuse for wanting a D is that he has feelings for me, but no romantic feelings for me. I think all his resentments and anger overshadowed those feelings of love. Maybe? So only time can help me out in that circumstance. Time and consistency. But it won't even start until she is out of the picture. I just can't compete and that is something that bothers me because I am a very stubborn, yet competitive person.

I just keep getting images of her on his phone. She looks so nice and sweet. I try to "thought stop" but it comes right back. I am not a "nice and sweet" person. I am very dynamic and outgoing and can be very assertive and sometimes aggressive (which I am trying to work on). I am willing to change the things I do not like about myself in order to Reconcile, but I am not willing to change my core values or who I am inside.

I keep focusing on how much H has changed, now it is time to look at myself and see how I have changed and if I like those changes or not. I don't think I do.