This has made me pretty sad and I'm going to need to think about my reply. You are very right on a lot of points, but I want to address one now.

Do I want what I can't have?
No. I can say this 100%. I have done a lot of soul searching on this during the early change of heart/panic attack days. The answer is no. I've looked long and hard about I ended it. There were more issues than the passiveness, such as my lack of trust, lack of vulnerability and communication on both our sides, his depression, I didn't listen, I didn't have hobbies, we didn't have dates. I could go on and on. There was quite a bit that left both of us feeling left out of the other's lives.
To decide that I want to save my marriage was not a fly by night decision. I knew that I have done huge damage to our lives and his heart. I was/am ashamed to tell some people in my life that I now feel this way because it does seem like "oh he finally got a gf and now she wants him back"
We actually discussed this and he said is said it seems like a cliche but maybe that's why it is people do start to think about things differently when the other is gone.

In our last R talk he said that he didn't trust himself not to turn back into the old person he was around me. That I have "too strong a personality" I know that feeling that you are worried someone will bring out a part of you you don't like. Which is why I feel like space, patience, friendship is all I can offer. Me talking about it, asking where he's at or wanting more answers just creates that same old dynamic

Maybe I did completely ruin our chances by ending it. But neither of us would have this growth if I hadn't had the courage to say it was over. He was never going to do that. He told me that a million times, I'll never leave you, things get bad I'll just hang out in the garage. That didn't reassure me it made me paranoid that I could be in a R with a man who didn't love me but stayed anyway.

He may resent me. He may be angry with me. He may think I'm being unfair. I can only continue to build a trust by not acting rash unreasonable or demanding. I am working on myself, staying single, and trying to put myself in his shoes.

If your W showed this type of change (not seeking male attention, not overly pursuing you, dedication to inner growth) how would your opinion change?