I went to H's parent's house last night and spoke with him and his parents. I haven't really been able to tell them my side and what I've been going through. Please keep in mind that these are people that I spent the majority of my last 10 years with. I am very close with them.
The conversation started with me trying to set some boundaries. No sleepovers with OW and my kids and no more overnight trips. (at least for now) I could tell as I was describing what I wasn't liking, H kept fighting me on it, not understanding why it was such a big deal. This is a hard thing because nothing he's doing is against the law and our kids are little so they don't completely know what's going on.
My biggest thing is that it's too soon, it's confusing to them, it's showing them that this behavior is ok, and it's just too much for me to take right now. I told them that the three week period of me keeping them was literally so I could have a couple of weeks of normalcy without having to hear about what H and OW are doing with my kids. I dread giving them back to him just for that reason. Everything they tell me HURTS. There's no way around it. It just hurts.
And I know H isn't doing any of this to hurt me, but it hurts just the same. Once I explained that to them, they completely understood.
H then tried to talk to me about how we were going to handle the D. Was I willing to work with him? My answer was, I don't know. I'm struggling with this because I want to protect myself and I don't want to get sucked in to giving him everything he wants just because I love him. I sat there for a long time trying to look at the custody issues from every angle... and nothing makes sense in my head.
I don't want to fight him anymore. But I feel trapped. I have no direction. He has complete direction. He knows exactly what his next moves are because he has someone that he wants to share his life with already. He has a job and he has a great support system with his family. I will be forever jealous of that. They are everything to me and are really such good people that it's hard to let it go.
My FIL told me that I need to come around more. I told him, I can't be here and there. I have to stay there. It's too hard right now to want so badly to be a part of their family knowing that H doesn't want me there. And that OW could be coming around at any given time. How do you go about doing that? That just doesn't seem possible to me.
As we talked more about details of how we were going to proceed, my H started to talk about splitting up debts and our belongings and that just made me downright depressed. This is really happening. How am I supposed to let my mind go there? I told him its really hard for me to put my energy into figuring out how to split things up when I'd rather put my energy into saving my marriage.
And I talked for a long time about the potential I see in us, how making each other a priority has been one of our biggest downfalls. It could make all the difference in the world. I spoke for a long time and everything I said made perfect sense and my H even started crying while I was talking. And when I was done he said, "I hear you say all of this and I get it. But I formed this R with someone that I can't see myself letting go."
That is a hard thing to swallow. So in my mind I'm thinking... he HAS to have this R with her. He HAS to see where it goes and there's nothing I can do about it. Whether it works or not, it's no longer my concern. Because he's basically made the point that she's worth it. She's worth breaking up our family. I'm scared to death that they will be truly happy together for a long time.
This is not a woman that I would ever be proud to have my children around and I'm not just saying that because she's with my H. Her character is very shady. She thinks she's a harda$$ and acts like it. She has no morals (has no problem sleeping with a married man with 3 children). "Parties." The list goes on and on.
I have to just get divorced. Moving on is the only thing that will bring me happiness. Would I still want to be with my H if he asked me tomorrow? Yes. There would be so much work to be done, but I know it would be so worth it. Going through a tragedy really awakens your soul. Why are we here? What is this life all about? Who do I want to be?
I am going to try to move forward with grace. It is going to be THE HARDEST thing I will ever do in my life. I have been fighting this for so long and now I have to wave the white flag. A part of me has died. The closest person I have ever been with in my life is quite possibly gone forever. It is a hard truth to face.
So one of the last things I said in our conversation was that this whole thing is so frustrating because I feel like neither one of us did the work. We have these issues that need to be worked on but instead we walked away from them. So instead of learning how to have a healthy R with one another, we're going to take these issues and implement them into another R. My H then said, I've been working on my communication. I said, "With OW?" He said, "Yes."
That was a low blow. I then said, well, I should go. I got up and his parents followed me to the door and his dad asked for a hug and said to me... I miss you. His mom then hugged me forever and just balled. My H just watched. They then walked me out to my car and waved good-bye as I pulled out of the driveway. Man, this is HARD!! My life as I know it has been shaken to the core!
This morning my H then sent me a text saying, I've been thinking a lot about the last thing I said to you yesterday and I wanted to clarify that I am not just working on communicating better with OW. I am working on just communicating better in general, but that I am still struggling with it.
I then told him thank you for telling me that because I was feeling very hurt by that comment. I also told him that if things are ever going to get better between us, he does need to communicate better. Maybe ask himself why he's keeping things from me. What is it accomplishing? (for example, the camping trip that he wasn't going to tell me about and gave me no details about until he got home... that was really not cool at all and he agreed.)
I told him that I was going to work on not being so angry. It is a hard thing to control right now with OW in the picture with my kids. I have no idea how people do this. Looking forward doesn't even bring me an inkling of hope because I know that I will always have to deal with her. There's no escaping it. And new problems are going to continue to arise. Such a mess!!
Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated right now. I always have this small little thought that maybe one day I will really be the one he wants and OW will be out of the picture because she was just a phase. It is insane that I even want H back after the things that he's put me through. But at the same time, I put him through hell, too, over a longer more gradual period of time. So what can you do?
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
