greenblue90 - thank you for the reply. I've been out of town this week & finally have a chance to respond.
Yes, in some ways he has been acting like a dud. I don't want to say he's turned into one, but I think he sometimes acts like one (and probably views himself as one). Little things like just following me around in a store, instead of actively helping to find things or even taking the lead, become frustrating and it isn't because I think I should be walking 5 paces behind him at all times - it's because of how what I think it says about how he sees himself. And, if he's the "dud" then I have to step up and be the one in charge, and I don't always want to do that. It makes me feel like I've been cast in the role of "bossy, domineering, bitchy wife who controls everything" and that isn't a role I signed up for.
But I can see where he might be feeling like a dud. He has gained some weight in the last couple years and while my career path has done well, he's made less progress toward where he wants to be (but he is making progress, which I think is really important to recognize).
How do I feel about the mandatory sex? First, I should be clear that it isn't mandatory, it's more ... routine. I don't feel particularly psyched about it because over time it's become a pattern of a "quickie" and then off to sleep. It's not as physically satisying as it used to be and it's a lot less emotionally satisfying.
I do sort of have to be in the mood, as does he. We've both tried to initiate & been put down, but it's definitely happened more to him over the years than to me.
That's part of why I miss the normal physical contact outside of the bedroom. That's what works to get me in the mood. If I feel attractive, sexy, desired ... then I'm in the mood. I mean, I get dressed up for work some days & just knowing I look nice because I'm wearing a skirt or cute heels goes a long way toward being in the mood. If H were to notice that & maybe put a hand on my waist then that's all it takes.
I can see how helping him make the connection between "happy wife" and "sexually excited wife" is a good thing. I may need to think of it like conditioning behavior in any mammal - Dolphins don't jump through a hoop on the first try, they get rewarded for little steps (and the reward is as big for the tiny first steps as it is for the final hoop-jump).
Maybe if I break down the "big trick" of touching me into smaller tricks & reward them, I can start shaping the behavior. this is mildly depressing, because I am seeing how much work this is going to be. I'm not saying I'm not capable of it, but I might delay it until some other things clear off my plate (like the next 3 trips occurring in the next 2 weeks - travel schedule got crazy really fast).
