Stuck in Holding Pattern 2

[bustorama]

I told her I need to be in a relationship with someone that's also commited to it, and I don't feel like she was. She agreed.

Yeah, you knew that's where she stood based on her actions.

- She says she really screwed up and feels to blame
- She says I deserve so much better. She said this numerous times throught the evening. The very last thing she told me as we left as she hugged me one last time was I deserve better than her.
- She will probably wake up at 35 and regret this decision
- She thinks I'm a great guy and am awesome marriage material and that she wasn't good marriage material for me. She thinks about how girls we know that are "better" than her would be so much better for me.
- She says she wishes she could go back 3 years and not screw everything up

The above all goes with the "It's not you it's me" mantra, and the self-reproach is also common when there has been a history of EA/PA. The "you deserve better" basically means, you deserve someone who wants to be with you (which you do). Take her at her word, you do deserve better.

- She's felt at peace in the last few months being on her own

She hasn't missed you BUT, she's emotionally known you've been the safe Plan B there, stuck in your holding pattern. She may continue to feel at peace when you are truly absent from her life. She may not. Only time will tell.

- She can't remember the good times, making it so hard to even want to try. She just remembers the sh*t from the last 6 months we were together

Recency effect. As time passes, she may reminisce about and remember good times in the past. (Or she may not).

- She still loves me and will always love me

That and a buck will buy you....

- She said her life was open to me. When I asked for clarification, she didn't elaborate too much. Just said shes here for me if I need her.

As a friend...sort of.

I don't regret the step I've taken, as hard as its been. And really, it's been very hard.

I really get how hard it was for you, Ben. Starting a new chapter can be so painful. I know you've got a great story to write ahead.