Stuck in Holding Pattern 2

[ben11]

It pretty much did go as expected, minus my complete loss of control of my emotions. I expected for it to be quite sad, but this hit me like a ton of bricks.

So we met for coffee and we had a bit of chit-chat but I was basically disengaged in the convo. Wasn't really in a chatty mood. I told her I needed to get out of limbo and it was time for me to move on. I told her I need to be in a relationship with someone that's also commited to it, and I don't feel like she was. She agreed.

We actually talked for about 2 hours in the coffee shop. Some about us, some about just general life things. It felt so surreal and I even told her that. I said it felt so natural still, after all we've been through, to be able to talk to her. And that this would be the last time.

It was a very civil conversation. We both shared some things about where we felt things went off track, what some things we regret, etc. None of these things were new, and that hadn't been covered in C. I'd say her general mood was sadness, but more of a prepared sadness if that makes sense.

As we left, I told her I had some clothes and stuff for her that she asked me to bring. First we hugged and she held on for a really long time. Then after that, I grabbed her stuff and gave it to her, and she hugged me again. As I let go this time, I started hopping in the front seat, and she said she still loves me. I completely broke down into a full-out sob. I told her that doesn't help me to hear. We actually talked a lot more as she sat on the door frame of my car. She didn't seem to want to leave me and she wanted to comfort me. We probably talked another 20 minutes. Then I figured I should leave. It was so hard to leave knowing this was the last time we'd probably talk like this again. I realized how much I still love her, and how much I'll miss her, but this is really the only thing left to do.

Some things she said throughout the night (and not in any kind of order here):
- She's felt at peace in the last few months being on her own
- She says she really screwed up and feels to blame
- She says I deserve so much better. She said this numerous times throught the evening. The very last thing she told me as we left as she hugged me one last time was I deserve better than her.
- She will probably wake up at 35 and regret this decision
- She can't remember the good times, making it so hard to even want to try. She just remembers the sh*t from the last 6 months we were together
- She thinks I'm a great guy and am awesome marriage material and that she wasn't good marriage material for me. She thinks about how girls we know that are "better" than her would be so much better for me.
- She still loves me and will always love me
- She said her life was open to me. When I asked for clarification, she didn't elaborate too much. Just said shes here for me if I need her.
- She says she wishes she could go back 3 years and not screw everything up

So yeah, I'm missing a ton of stuff that was said. I can barely remember a 5 minute convo so there's a lot that I'm leaving out. Bottom line is I feel like she wishes it worked, but just isn't willing to work at it. She doesn't believe in us enough to put in the work she knows it would take. We have different lives, and she can't really remember the good times.

I don't regret the step I've taken, as hard as its been. And really, it's been very hard. But I think it really is time for me to try and move on. I hope I can do it sooner than later, but who knows. I'm just thankful I have great friends and family that can support me through these times.