Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

I had the meeting --- and this is progress because I probably would have skipped it in 2010.

It's just so hard because we're sitting there discussing with the park district how to make this particular summer camp work for D9 and XW would keep looking over at me for input, trying to make eye contact.

And then after I had to follow her to the car to get a dress for D9 and then have her offer up alternatives to D13 staying with her because she didn't plan on being home. My face felt like it was made of stone.

I know it's my own insecurities doing me in. Walking over there I was thinking about what a lousy marriage it actually was. The months of not being able to even put a hand on her shoulder. The silent treatment. The tension of over opening the bills and having to find money because she over spent. The times she blew up at teachers and I'd have to clean it up. The continual feeling of "this is as good as it gets and how can I live with this."

I was terribly, terribly unhappy too. But at least -- to the outside world -- I had someone who cared enough to marry me.

Yes. My sense of self worth was shattered three years ago and it still is awfully fragile.

I need long-term counseling. At least in 2009 and early 2010 I could go to a counselor through my work Employee Assistance Program. They don't offer that anymore. I am hoping to get something through my insurance.

I realize and everyone can remind me that with time this will get better. But it doesn't help me today. I just want to run from the problem, like a little kid going to his room to shut out the world.

Part of what really hurts is that I see it is affecting my daughters and if there is one thing I pride myself on it is being a great father, and now I'm feeling like I'm failing there as well.

I am a complete mess today.