Hello, WAW. Is anyone there?

[AlwaysTrying]

I am of two minds. Basically, "How can she do this (to me)?" and "How can I do this (for us)?".

First, how can she do this:
Sandi, you say she needs to see what it would be like to be divorced to see if she wants to keep it that way. Now, I'm going to appear like a control freak, I guess. Here goes...

I don't understand this as a need. I understand it as a selfish "want" that disregards the actual needs of our children. I get that she is resentful.

I don't believe that 20 or 30 years ago this would have happened. I believe I would have spent a few months on the couch and we would have worked it out. I hate this world of disposable marriages. That is not what they are for! Why is this OK? Why does my wife have a chorus of women cheering her on for "being strong"? So many women are clamoring to see another one of their sisters out from under the boot of a man. Women don't need men, except for child support payments, it seems. Where is the friend cheering for "Way to let him show you how he's grown!" or "Way to ask for what you want in your marriage and receive it!"? "Way to foster your children's relationship with their father, sister!" "Way to support your children's needs by working on your marriage!" "Way to honor your vows in a difficult situation! You go, Girl!"

Grumble.

I'm a libertarian-leaning liberal almost democrat ex-objectivist(Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged, etc). That's a load of contradictions, but why do I sound like some self-righteous conservative patriarchal authoritarian? That's the last thing it should add up to.

Part of me still bristles and wants to deny that she has the right to do this. I will concede that actually, anyone has a right to leave their marriage, and the reasons can be quite complicated. But not someone married to me!!! I'm not a bad person! I care so much about those kids and about my wife! I didn't know the trouble I was causing her was so hard on her. I'm so deeply sorry. I can't even conceive of how giving our marriage another shot could possibly fail. I would never let it!

I'm ranting. Thanks for coming this far. In summation: It's not fair. Whine. Pout. Stomp.

Maybe she agrees to a certain extent: She has no right to ask me to leave my home and children within the context of our marriage, so she has to end it. Because she does "need the space". And she believes I can't give it to her.

I'm baffled by the idea that an adult is going to "try out" not being married to see if maybe that is better. That was no where in the vows. Maybe it should have been.

I take you to be my wife, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do us part - unless I become unhappy for a time. In this case, let's get divorced and see if I miss you.

I wish we could have got this out right in the beginning. I would never have agreed to that. I would have asked for a provision spelling out how to notify the other party that the marriage was becoming unhappy and steps that would be taken to save it.

I think I'm not alone among LBSs in having thought that married is married. Done deal. Nothing is going to change that. Yes, I know there are things that make you, wife, unhappy. And things that make you happy. Pluses and negatives for me, too. But it all balances out to the positive, right? I wish I had seen the balance sheet. I had no idea how bad it was. I didn't realize that unhappy with certain things meant unhappy with the marriage and looking for a way out.

I know that there are terrible marriages and people married to terrible people, but I didn't imagine I was in that category.

So, part 1 "How can she do this?":
- She is an oath-breaker and untrustworthy
- She doesn't care about the well-being of anyone else
- She doesn't deserve what she's asking for
- I don't deserve to have to deal with this


Part 2: "How can I do this?"

I believe (on faith) that my marriage can be healed.
I believe that I have a responsibility to do what I can to heal it.
I recognize that I have to do things that are painful to make that possible.

I can see that the core problem is really that I'm afraid of losing the kids or of damaging the kids. There is a history of bipolar disorder (and worse) in my family. Becoming bipolar is the result of genetic predisposition and childhood trauma. I'm trying to avoid childhood trauma. My oldest daughter (D15) has dealt with the breakdown of 3 marriages now (her mom and I, her mom and step dad, and now her dad and step mom) and it has torn her to pieces. She literally has dozens of 1-to-3-inch scars where she cut her body to manage the pain and feel some control. Many dozens. It's difficult to know. She is in treatment, and has stopped the self-harm, but she still struggles hard with just getting by day-to-day.

S7 is too much like me. I worry about him becoming bipolar. He is already struggling with ADHD which has gone into overdrive since I've moved out.

So, my compromise with my wife has been: Let's keep the kids in their home and let me step out long enough to give you space. But I guess it's not really working and I need to figure out how to give her more space without hurting the kids.

I can stop spending Friday nights at the house if it helps. I've been thinking of sending her an email that says, "If I don't spend Friday nights at the house, what do you think that would look like? How would you want to do that?"

I can't just surprise her and stop doing it. She needs more planning than that.