Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

And then the air comes out of the balloon. D13 went to XW's house after school. She's supposed to come to mine but there was a miscommunication.

When I went over there both girls were on edge because they know I don't like to go over there. D9 actually asked to go in first to make sure the BF wasn't there. The look on her face ...

And I felt just awful afterward. They have enough to worry about and they feel they have to worry about my feelings.

I want to be better, but I'm just not. I told them the right things -- I'm OK, blah, blah, blah -- but I don't feel the right things.

I felt awful at the baseball games and made a couple of mistakes because I couldn't concentrate.

This morning I had to send XW a text about weekend stuff. Her response indicated she's spending Saturday night at the BF's house. I think this is permanent. I shouldn't care. I know that. Still it hurts. I want to scream at her. Throw things.

Why can't I let go?

I have to see her today about summer camp and again on Friday and Saturday because of dance recitals.

I soooo want to move far, far away and just start over.

I sent an email to my health system's doctor referral service. I think it's time I saw someone about depression. Nothing else -- working myself to death, working out, reading -- is working.

I feel like I'm 9 years old again with messy hair, buck teeth and unstylish clothes wondering if anyone will ever like me.