If anything this board has taught me over the past year - it's to really look at all advice and see if there is any truth to it.
You and me both sista!
I suspect you are right with my w about grilling me again and a pattern beginning
Here was the previous pattern.
W - Persecutor Val - too scared to say anything or stick up for myself.
I never perceived you as that victimized. Perhaps you had already begun to grow before arriving here.
Part of the reason I never stuck up for myself is because I would get "more grilling" or the silent treatment, or the guilt factor.
It is hard doing things knowing that my w will react in a way that I suspected she would
I'm not surprised by the grilling. I'm not surprised by any of her behavior...
... but I can't go back to the old Val.
No you cannot, however the old habits die hard. I will forever be on guard and work to keep my changes. Knowing how this made you feel, knowing you are different now, means you can choose not to place yourself in a similar situation.
And I wish I could say that I was in the phase - Where I just didn't care. But I'm not.
Even now I can say in honesty - that although I do this for me, I also do it show her that I'm done.
That I am saying "You DON'T get to do X anymore.. or Y".
And there is a part of me of hopes that she will change and it's more in the foreground than I would like...
... because I care about her. And there is still a part of me that still wants our marriage to work.
I know that will take a VERY long time to become healthy again. And that everything I do is MUDDY with emotions.
As recently as 6 months ago I might have used the detach mantra here. Thing is you feel what you feel and I’m mostly through trying to detach from the last vestiges of my feelings for XW. In my opinion if you’re not able to let go of feelings that are holding you back then embrace them. Grab em by the throat.......choke and beat the ever luving sheet out of them.
Long ago in another life I was told by EOD there is no problem so great that it cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosive. So use a metaphorical explosive here because you are too good and have come too far to get bogged down in this minutia!!
So I recently asked for help.....
... I'm ready for this to be over. I can't seem to make myself contact her in any way caz I'm too scared of what she will say. Too scared of how my heart will react.
I am living in fear.. actually I am not really living at all.
So I asked my friends to help me. Help me write the emails that I need to write to her. Do the final things that I need to do.
In some ways, my life has just turned into shambles and I want it to stop. God has been awesome at providing me the opportunities.... but he can't make me physically do anything.
I asked my friends to give ME some tough love. That moving forward is what I need. And that I'm scared and I'm going to "buck" against them a little bit.. but I know that I'm ready as I'm going to be and that... all the "bucking" is just fear talking.
They agreed.
We get by with a little help from our friends….I am glad you have RL friends that are willing to help. Remember what you have learned and fought so hard to achieve, use it to temper their assistance. Our RL friends have not DB’ed for the past year and a half.
I've given myself a June 1st deadline to be done with everything.
Today - I will work on finding my apartment. It is the messiest I have ever seen it.
Damn!t! I will crawl out of this hole!
Yes, you will I have every confidence you will!
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
