In August of 2011 my W's 30 year high school reunion was scheduled. I will keep the location out of this but it involved a 5 am drop off at the airport which of course I dutifully obliged. No big deal for me, I am an early riser anyway. She had reconnected with some of her classmates via FB during the months prior, and had discovered that one girl lived locally so they arranged to travel together. I took vacation to spend time with the kids, and we kept up with W via phone and texts, and by all accounts she was having a great time. Of course, I did not know how good then, and will probably never really get the truth. When the kids and I picked her up from the airport 4 days later she exited with this other girl who looked at me like I was something that got stuck to her shoe while walking across a farmyard. I put it down to travel fatigue and really paid it no attention. W seemed distant as we drove home but I put it down again to fatigue. Over the next few days she shared her adventures and showed me the pictures taken. My impression was a group of middle aged people pretending to be high schoolers again, but I do not judge. W also shared with me how epidemic big D was with this group.
About 3 weeks later I went to work on our computer, we were selling kids DVDs on e-bay, when I saw a FB message string between W and some guy from the reunion that looked like a tennis match of "I love you, no, I love you" back and forth for about 12 exchanges. We all know that sinking feeling, but added to that was the fact that my kids use this computer all the time. Thank heaven I saw it first. I closed it down and went to find W. When confronted she did not deny (how could she?) but said it was just words, so I guess that made it alright then? When I pushed her on it the floodgates opened and she basically told me her time thinking in the hotel room told her that something seriously needed to change, and she thought we were done (that phrase again!). I offered that we should try couples therapy, and she readily agreed, which I took as her wanting to work on the R, silly me! For me, I did what my professional training called for, get data, analyze then formulate a solution. The therapist suggested Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight, which I went right out and bought, hoping W would want to read along with me, again, silly me!
About this time someone recommended DR and MWD. I bought the book and read it in one weekend. It made so much sense to me, as an action oriented male. I regret now that I continued with traditional therapy and did not start with coaching right away. Even though I have read maybe a dozen books since, and have grown considerably from them, I go back to DR all the time.
After a couple of months of therapy W announced that she did not want to share a bed with me anymore, so I moved into the spare room. I was getting what sleep I could grab on the couch anyway, so it was mainly symbolic. I wanted everything to seem normal for the kids, but W did not see things that way, and made it obvious what was happening. Then she decided the kids needed therapy because of the tension in the home (which only she could feel) and guess who had to tell them. About a month after that W announced that she wanted a separation. Both of these bombshells were dropped in our couples therapy, a place I thought was supposed to be about working for a reconciliation. Again, I had to be the one to tell the kids, she just sat there silent, this was New Years Eve, 2011. Happy New Year!
In the middle of January we started the nesting separation, one week in the house with the kids, one week in a shared apt. I agreed to do this with the implicit understanding that we were to spend the time apart working on ourselves to the benefit of our R. I drew up separation guidelines that detailed how finances, kids, etc. were to be managed. We needed them, she could not do it.
Two weeks ago she had her reunion friends in town and spent time with them instead of the kids. In our next couples therapy session she inadvertently blurted out that she was not coming back, ever. It was not hard to imagine her friends standing on a chair, pumping the fist and shouting "you go girl". I am sure they think very poorly of me, probably that I am a complete jerk. I don't expect objectivity when you only hear one side of the story. She tried to retract the statement, claiming she did not mean to say it, but it was out.
So where are we now? I have started coaching through the DB web site. I continue my reading to discover what went wrong, how it could easily be saved, and how to avoid the same thing happening again. Just finished the 5 Languages. There are close friends, both male and female, who support me and keep me sane. I see my kids most everyday, and it is for them that I keep working for my marriage, them and my W and I. Through my work I am covered for IC and I start that soon. One of my passions is cycling, and I am immersing myself in that very supportive community. Luckily I have a very understanding boss who knows what is going on and gives me freedom to work flexibly just as long as stuff gets done. So the GAL tactic is under control. But truth be known, I have made some mistakes in the LRT (Valentines Day, wedding anniversary on 3/30) which I would not have had I started coaching earlier.
And my wife? She fits the mold of the WAW to a tee. Friends have commented how angry she is at everything, but mostly at me, and not just things that are my fault. And I am not surprised, if she lets go of the anger then what excuse does she have for all the pain she is causing. I know that I have made mistakes and have not been a perfect husband, but she refuses to see her part in any of this, and while she claims to be done with the blame game, she is not. I am giving her the space she needs and I am patient, willing to go as far as going to Boulder for a 2 day personal intensive. Question is, how do you make someone who is hard hearted and determined NOT to work on the marriage to even consider some of the obvious choices she could make to bring us back together. In the last therapy session she admitted that process was just about her getting enough backbone to "ask for what she wanted", so really not making the marriage the client.
Last week in an e-mail she said we had things to discuss, and suggested either a public place or a return to our couples therapist, but I responded that since I did not know what we would discuss, I could not decide on a venue. And left it at that. My plan is to buy as much time as I can to let the LRT work.
Any feedback or advice welcome.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
