What is going on here... and what do I do?

[LIO]

Thank you so much for popping in Kat

Sunday was a crappy day. The silence is deafening to me and I could NOT SHUT UP. I need to learn how to accept quiet. H said "This is the hardest part." as if everything will be wonderful and perfect after a divorce.
S was at the beach with FIL. When S got back, H said to him "Oh we should go to the beach soon!" We doesn't include me with him. I don't exist.

Later on, I stayed outside with S and played with the neighbor kid. H came out to make his 'presence known' to me. (If I ignore him for a period of time, he will go to wherever I am for a made up reason so he can see that I see him - like a peacock). Then H blew up at his dad so loud S and I could hear it outside. (FIL is still here). FIL walked out the house and would have left permanently if it weren't for my S.

Then for the final part of the day: H says I 'hover' too much and don't allow him to do anything with S (he is home with S in the mornings alone, and H usually spends his free time sleeping, playing video games, or drawing). I said "Thank you for telling me that. I had no idea that you felt that way or that I did that. I'll try to work on that." H rolled his eyes and then mentioned the Divorce and getting the phantom serving paperwork signed (he then threatened me with getting a server) which I said "do whatever you feel you need to".


Yesterday, we barely spoke. I called for S because S wanted to talk. When S said (and not with prompting from me) "Dad, I really want you home at night" (H works until 11:00pm at his OWN choice - he could change that if he wanted to) H got angry with ME... (in private in the past 2 years, I had mentioned that S has said several times that he would love to see him before he goes to bed).

S is breaking my heart. He is telling FIL at night heartbreaking statements like no one likes him, and he's acting now more now. H doesn't see it as a problem. He's too wrapped up in his own head. So I am working with S now trying to reassure him.

I don't recognize H. He is a ghost of himself. He hyperfocuses on S in one moment with playing intensely, but then doesn't really 'deal' with S's feelings. H's family doesn't 'talk'. I do. I want S to talk.

I'm trying to stay positive, but it's hard when I'm speaking to a brick wall with H. Last night, he got home and I was watching TV. H turned on that laptop (effectively cutting me out), then even after I offered to sit on the chair so he could have the couch, he said 'no' then took the pillow and blanket and went to sleep on the floor of the office. I said nothing else and did not follow him. Usually when he gets home I say "Hey, how was work?" or try to get some little conversation going. But I think I'll stop that too.

I did not wake up and go down and lay next to him. Good for me.

Today I woke up with another song playing in my head:
"Little Talks" from Of Monsters and Men
Mainly these parts (mine would be the pink)

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back
Well tell HIM [her] that I miss our little talks.

Soon it will all be over, buried with our past
We used to play outside when we were young and full of life and full of love.

Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right.
Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.


You're gone, gone, gone away,
I watched you disappear.
All that's left is a ghost of you.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,
there's nothing we can do,
Just let me go, we'll meet again soon.
Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around
I'll see you when I fall asleep.


That's the extent of living with a person who is hot/cold. Undiagnosed bipolar. Getting pushed, then pulled. I am usually a take action kinda gal. This doing nothing is very very very hard. But I will be consulting with a few lawyers soon. I have no idea what H will do, or won't do.

The 15th is coming up soon. I say nothing about H moving out. He says nothing. I don't know his plans. One time he mentioned that he would come over every morning and make S breakfast. I don't think he realizes what being 'divorced' means, but he will realize that he is still the same as he is now... unhappy. I however know that S and I will be better off if H refuses to get help for himself.
No, I don't want a divorce...but I want to be ready and this isn't fair to S or me.

So onto what I CAN control.
No communication with H.
Focus on S.