My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[timbits]

Things are still chugging along. I find that H is still distant, not as affectionate as previously, which I find difficult to cope with, but am doing it for the sake of the M. I know that clinging to him would be a mistake at this point. He's meeting a friend to take another picture for his book jacket tonight and I'm going shopping with my mother, so at least I won't be home obsessing about it. Some times I just wonder where everything went so wrong. Why did he have an EA/PA? What did I do to deserve being iced out? What is wrong with me? What did OW have that I didn't have? It's still painful to really think about.

I know that he has his own problems and that I need to work on my own, but every now and then that familiar feeling of betrayal pops up. I would NEVER do that to him. I would NEVER betray him or our M. I just feel like I don't deserve this. Yes, I have issues and I need to work on intimacy, but you don't go outside of the M to fulfill your needs. I guess I'm just venting right now. I know what I need to do, but I'm still very hurt. And when he's acting this way, almost like I was the one who betrayed him, it brings it all up again.

I just wish we could go back. I just hope we can fix this. I'm calling my IC to make an appointment now (I had to cancel due to illness last week). Feeling a little down today. I try not to let it bother me, but it still hurts. I hate feeling like the man who I am supposed to be closest with is unavailable to talk to. I can't talk about this with him. I feel very alone right now.