Hello, WAW. Is anyone there?

[AlwaysTrying]

You don't set a meeting up to discuss how you will back off, you just do it. But I'm wondering what backing off looks like to you. I'm not sure you really understand what it means.to not smother her and let her get some air.

I might not know what it means. I've been living separately for around 6 months now. I have my own apartment. But occasionally, W will say she's not getting enough space, and I will ask how. What do I need to do differently? "I don't know." She never knows. She can rarely do much to describe what is bothering her. And when she does describe something, I act on it immediately.

So, the fact is that we see a lot of each other. I am at the house 3 days a week to be with the kids. W might choose to be out of the house, but when things are good, she doesn't. We go through stretches where we spend more time around each other, things seem a lot better, and lines of communication open a little. We might be doing the dishes or cooking and we can talk about more sensitive subjects without getting emotionally out of control.

Then she will say that she's not happy. She's not getting enough space. She wants to move on. She's made up her mind and she's not changing it.

I get upset because she never warned me. Things seemed to be getting better and then whatever bothered her was not something she was communicating with me. It feels infuriatingly obvious to me that if we were doing some counseling during this time, we would have the kind of communication so that I knew when I wasn't giving her enough space and what needs to change. Also, I would know something about whatever change she is looking for in me and how she would know that it is happening. (She says that I have made progress and she's happy about it, but that I still have a lot of work to do. She won't go into specifics. )

I get angry. This is unfair! Play by the rules! You never gave us a chance! I'm trying so hard and you're not helping at all! We owe this to our kids! I'm asking for so little. Why won't you try? Then the restentment builds and the texts start flowing. All I want is for her to back off, tell me what is wrong, let me back off, and give it time.

Then I will make some sort of radical adjustment and beg her to come to counseling to make sure we are going in the right direction. Sometimes she initially agrees and then backs out. Some times she goes to talk to the counselor independently, with the plan of following up with me, and then decides not to meet with the counselor together.

In two months, it will be a full year of this pattern.


I asked my W to speak with a counselor with me to try to get some issues out in the open so that I can make changes that have the best impact. Yes, I plan to back way off, and that is something I could have done without her input, but my hope was to have set some goals so that 2-4 weeks from now, she can see that there was obvious improvement in those areas and hopefully postpone her plans to move out for another month. And then another.

Her moving out will be an economic disaster, and will affect the kids in a negative way. I want to prove that we can make progress without her doing that.

Of course, she says her goal is to get divorced, so proving those things means nothing to her.


My plan at this point is to do a 180 on communication. No texts, no emails. I will try to be out of her space as much as possible. She mentioned my clothes still in our previously shared bedroom. I'm going to take them out of there today and she'll definitely notice.

I had planned on buying her a punching bag for her birthday this Saturday. (She is into kickboxing now. That started up about 2 months before she decided to leave me.) I don't know now if I should do this.