Thank you NOTSOSUNNY I was nodding along to your description of wanting him to be happy. I used to cry and think maybe he'll find someone who will make him happy because that wasnt me.

I feel like I owe Betsey LOADS for pointing me towards Nikel's threads. There is so much that mirrors my sitch.

I woke up this morning feeling new again. Does that make sense? I just had some sort of turning point between posting and reading.

I have accepted and agree that anything I do in my life for his benefit is POINTLESS. LRT, 180, GAL none of that is for him it's for me.

I kept thinking and analysing (my downfall) if I go dark will it give me the outcome I want? if I work on the friendship will it give me the outcome I want? All of that is manipulation. I can't predict or influence an outcome at least I can't influence if I'm trying to influence.

Yes I am doing the 37 rules and not initating contact but not for any desired behavior from him. It's for me!!!! to get back on my own feet emotionally and to lessen the thoughts I have of him. But I'm not going to play silly games.

All I have been doing is being upset about a decision I made in the past or worrying that the future won't be something I can cope with but all that matters is RIGHT NOW. I have to get okay with RIGHT NOW before it all passes me by.

Right now I have a teenage son who needs/lovees/is a lot of fun me, a great job with exciting things happening over the next few months, a body that I haven't had in 7 years, and a marriage I ended so that we could both be happy because we weren't happy together.
(and I quit smoking yesterday!)

He said I was his best friend and we would always be friends. So here's my rules to be his friend:
Friends don't sabotage the others relationship
Friends don't flirt with each other.
Friends don't sleep with each other.
Friends want the best for that person.
They're happy for the other's acheivements.
Friends aren't jealous of one another.
Friends don't have an agenda.
Friends don't try to push thier wishes/hopes/dreams/opinions onto that the other
A Friend listens more than talks.
A friend tries to understand where you're coming from instead of telling you why you're wrong.
A friend never says I told you so.