My H and I have been married for 15 years. We were young when we met but full of life and love. For 12 years of our M I was a devoted wife and mother for our 2 kids (s13, d5). I worshipped my H. In 12/2008 I told my H I was no longer happy but was very confused. I didn't know what went wrong or how anything could have gone wrong. It just didn't feel right any more. We aggreed to stay together and attempt to work it out. He aggreed to change the things that hurt me at the time. (At times he would say really hateful things to me like "Since you gained weight I am no longer attracted to you." and " I am 30 years old and I have nothing I ever wanted in my life.") We tried to work things out but I was so depressed and just couild not bring myself to give the energy our relationship needed to survive. He did everything DR says not to do. He was too aggressive in his pursuit of me. I just checked out. Although I was still there physically. In 3/2009 I started talking to someone who made me feel good about myself. We started a letter writing EA. I was completely enamoured by the OM. My H found about about these letters and never said anything. We continued to act as a couple and continued to have sex. I wrote these letters to the OM until 12/2009 when I cut off all contact with him. My H and I continued to work on our M. There were periods of time when we were doing really good but other times we sunk into the same pit we were in before I told him I wasnt't happy. Things happened in early 2011 that pushed me away even further. My dad who is terminally ill had a birthday in early May. It was his 65 and my whole family from all over the country was going to be there. I asked my H to go with the kids and I and he chose his schooling over this. While I was 4 hours away celebrating my dad's birthday my H's car breakdowns and he calls me yelling at me. I was so upset over this. He chose a school project over our family. Then in mid May his grandma passed. I was with his family and her as she passed. He was at work. I was close to the lady and was very hurt over this. The more I thought about these 2 situations; the more despondant I got. I was clinically depressed and was put on medications. I didn't know what was going on at that point. In 7/2001 OM started emailing me again and we started texting and talking again. I never intended anything to continue to go any further. OM started telling me how great and beautiful I was. He got into my head when I was at my lowest. In 9/2011 I had sex with OM. It was just once and I was completely wracked with feelings of guilt and pain. I could not believe I would do that to my H. I could not get over what I had done. So I decided to leave my H in 10/2011. Even though I loved him very much. I was just so confused and hurt at the same time. My H attempted to get to to move back home saying we could work this out but I wanted to take things slow and repair our M and not just put another patch on something seriously wrong. I continued to talk with OM via phone and text and I saw him 2 other times. Once was for my birthday and the other was when I told him he longer controls me. I broke off my EA/PA face to face and all on my own. He attempted to "get " me back several times and has failed miserbly. My husband and I decided that I would moved back after Xmas. I turned in my notice to the APT I was living and was planning on moving back with my H. I was so excited and so ready to be back and have my family back together. We planned on going to MC and repairing our M. For Xmas I bought my H and I a trip to renew our vows someplace romantic for our 15th anniversary.I was so excited. We both took the kids to see the Xmas lights at the zoo ad were talking about reconcilling and renewing the vows. I was still through the moon. Xmas day comes and I was going from work to H's house to be with my family and to surprise H with his trip and a few other odds and ends for Xmas. I called when I was getting close to home and H yelled at me. I didn't know what to do. So I just drove back to my APT and went to bed. I cried all day over this. It tore me up. I thought he wanted to get back with me. In early 1/2012 I was served with divorce papers. He didn't even tell me he wanted a D. I thought we were getting back together. This killed me. I want my H back and I anm willing to do anything it takes. I have admitted my wrong doings and apologized over and over again. My H has moved on and has a Gf of his own who stays with him every weekend. She and her 2 kids come to his place and they all stay there with our 2 kids or when I have the kids it's just him and her. My H knows I want to work it out and knows that Im so hurt over this. He has even introduced her to his family and takes her to family functions. He lies to me about her and says its nothing serious and he doesn't see anything long term. He asks me to moved down south with him after he finishes school. I told him I would move with him but not with him and his GF and he has no right asking that of me if he doesn't want to work it out. I have done everything I am not supposed to do to get him back. I love and miss him so much it kills me. I am even more depressed. I am tryimg to act as if I dont really care but it's so hard. I try and not talk about our R. I guess I am not looking for sympathy just help. What should I do and where do I go from here. I am just so confused.
