My H and I have been married for 15 years. We were young when we met but full of life and love. For 12 years of our M I was a devoted wife and mother for our 2 kids (s13, d5). I worshipped my H. In 12/2008 I told my H I was no longer happy but was very confused. I didn't know what went wrong or how anything could have gone wrong. It just didn't feel right any more. We aggreed to stay together and attempt to work it out. He aggreed to change the things that hurt me at the time. (At times he would say really hateful things to me like "Since you gained weight I am no longer attracted to you." and " I am 30 years old and I have nothing I ever wanted in my life.") We tried to work things out but I was so depressed and just couild not bring myself to give the energy our relationship needed to survive. He did everything DR says not to do. He was too aggressive in his pursuit of me. I just checked out. Although I was still there physically. In 3/2009 I started talking to someone who made me feel good about myself. We started a letter writing EA. I was completely enamoured by the OM. My H found about about these letters and never said anything. We continued to act as a couple and continued to have sex. I wrote these letters to the OM until 12/2009 when I cut off all contact with him. My H and I continued to work on our M. There were periods of time when we were doing really good but other times we sunk into the same pit we were in before I told him I wasnt't happy. Things happened in early 2011 that pushed me away even further. My dad who is terminally ill had a birthday in early May. It was his 65 and my whole family from all over the country was going to be there. I asked my H to go with the kids and I and he chose his schooling over this. While I was 4 hours away celebrating my dad's birthday my H's car breakdowns and he calls me yelling at me. I was so upset over this. He chose a school project over our family. Then in mid May his grandma passed. I was with his family and her as she passed. He was at work. I was close to the lady and was very hurt over this. The more I thought about these 2 situations; the more despondant I got. I was clinically depressed and was put on medications. I didn't know what was going on at that point. In 7/2001 OM started emailing me again and we started texting and talking again. I never intended anything to continue to go any further. OM started telling me how great and beautiful I was. He got into my head when I was at my lowest. In 9/2011 I had sex with OM. It was just once and I was completely wracked with feelings of guilt and pain. I could not believe I would do that to my H. I could not get over what I had done. So I decided to leave my H in 10/2011. Even though I loved him very much. I was just so confused and hurt at the same time. My H attempted to get to to move back home saying we could work this out but I wanted to take things slow and repair our M and not just put another patch on something seriously wrong. I continued to talk with OM via phone and text and I saw him 2 other times. Once was for my birthday and the other was when I told him he longer controls me. I broke off my EA/PA face to face and all on my own. He attempted to "get " me back several times and has failed miserbly. My husband and I decided that I would moved back after Xmas. I turned in my notice to the APT I was living and was planning on moving back with my H. I was so excited and so ready to be back and have my family back together. We planned on going to MC and repairing our M. For Xmas I bought my H and I a trip to renew our vows someplace romantic for our 15th anniversary.I was so excited. We both took the kids to see the Xmas lights at the zoo ad were talking about reconcilling and renewing the vows. I was still through the moon. Xmas day comes and I was going from work to H's house to be with my family and to surprise H with his trip and a few other odds and ends for Xmas. I called when I was getting close to home and H yelled at me. I didn't know what to do. So I just drove back to my APT and went to bed. I cried all day over this. It tore me up. I thought he wanted to get back with me. In early 1/2012 I was served with divorce papers. He didn't even tell me he wanted a D. I thought we were getting back together. This killed me. I want my H back and I anm willing to do anything it takes. I have admitted my wrong doings and apologized over and over again. My H has moved on and has a Gf of his own who stays with him every weekend. She and her 2 kids come to his place and they all stay there with our 2 kids or when I have the kids it's just him and her. My H knows I want to work it out and knows that Im so hurt over this. He has even introduced her to his family and takes her to family functions. He lies to me about her and says its nothing serious and he doesn't see anything long term. He asks me to moved down south with him after he finishes school. I told him I would move with him but not with him and his GF and he has no right asking that of me if he doesn't want to work it out. I have done everything I am not supposed to do to get him back. I love and miss him so much it kills me. I am even more depressed. I am tryimg to act as if I dont really care but it's so hard. I try and not talk about our R. I guess I am not looking for sympathy just help. What should I do and where do I go from here. I am just so confused.
I am in no way asking for pity. I accept responsibility for what I have done. I do not blame H at all. We had our problems but I chose to cheat not him. Right now I know I have to build him up and prove to him that I am not that person. I learned from my choice. I carry a copy of the 37 rules with me and work hard to improve myself in order to improve our R. I am just looking for some help and support from those going through the same thing
Hi Dawn and sorry you find yourself here for the reasons that you, at least, could have made different choices regarding.
No one will "judge" you here, but you will be challenged. Most newbies will post their first few messages as you did. Busy, lots of words, and that can be a little overwhelming for those who might otherwise support you.
Eventually, members will read through your posts and start engaging you. In the mean time, try to keep your posts shorter and a little more frequent.
Do you have a clear understanding of what your goal is right now, regarding your life and your M?
Dawn, what work have you done individually re:your own affair.
It is essential that you have absolutely no contact with the OM (not even virtual contact, like looking at old pictures, letters, notes). You should cut all ties so that he does not have access to you (emails do not reach you and go directly to trash or, better, blocked outright; blocked from seeing you on facebook, etc. etc.).
What work have you done individually to understand your reasons for affairing and the problems with your own boundaries. Have you read books on infidelity? Have you sought IC? Why did you not feel safe in confiding your unhappiness to your H at the time? In sharing with him? Why did you turn outside the marriage?
What has your H told you are the reasons that he is not living with you as a married couple now? Is he hurt? Doesn't trust you? Enraptured with his new GF? Revenge affairs are not uncommon. Does he even still consider himself married to you?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I no longer have any contact with the OM and have not since Jan. He still tries to contact me but I block every new avenue as soon as he does. My FB has always been set to private. I have no photos or letters from him. I do not wish to have any contact with him. I go to IC and MC alone. My H acts as if we are already D. Which will not be final until 12/12. My H will not talk to me at all about our R. I know he is still hurt and he feels as if he can no longer trust me. He cannot get the A out of his head. I have read books about D and A. I am now reading After the Affair. I am working on my boundry issues with all people. I no longer speak to people of the opposite sex about my R. It is my fault I could not talk to my H. I hated making him angry so I avoided all confrontation. I realize my faults in our marriage and I am working had on changing those faults. I was never a "nag" I just didn't say anything at all. I now know no one is perfect and I was still searching for perfection. But I now realize that I love my H because of his imperfections as well as his perfections.
So I have been really good at not initiating conversation with H. I take my D to his house at night so he can keep her while I work. I read and play with her before I leave. I just act as if he isnt there. The first day nothing ;the 2nd he kept looking at me. I make sure I look cute and wear perfume. Im smiling and acting as if my life will go on. So I am trying to GAL. Yesterday our S zipped his stuff up. I sent H a text to have him come look at it and he doesnt respond. So i drive there and he's not there. This was at 11:30 PM. He text me today and asks if I paid the sitter. He won't pay her so what why would he ask? Now he is trying to get into an argument via text. I just told him he can talk to me not get into it via text. Should I have done that? Am I wrong? He has the kids this weekend so I will see him when he picks up our D. We always fight on the weekends beacuse he is going to be with his GF; he will lie and tell me that they will not be together. I don't know what do to.
Today has been awlful. Its Mother's Day and I should be through the moon. That he let me have the kids at 3. Instead I broke down when I saw H. I didn't want to and I have been really good at GAL and acting "as if". I haven't contacted him in over a week unless it was about the kids and then its not excessively. Maybe once every other day if he don't respond I dont push the issue. The weekends are so hard on me. I always breakxown on the weekends.
I thought I posted yesterday guess not. LOL. Yesterday I should have been so happy he let me see the kids on his weekend. I had a horrible day. I didn't want breakdown in front of him but I did have a horrible breakdown. I havent contacted him all weekend I let him and his GF play house with our kids. I hate that. He told me that he was taking our daughter to play mini golf. Just him and D. When she gpt home yesterday and tells me everything. No mini golf but a festival with H and his GF and her kids. I just don't get why he feels he has to lie to me. Where does it get him? I'm working real hard GAL. I just make sure I keep busy and dont call or text him. I make sure my hair is always done and that I wear my signature perfume. I stay polite and never initiate conversation. He texts me once a day for no reason. I usually only respond with one word answers. I'm just so confused.
My goals for the week. 1.) I will not initiate any conversation unless out of necessity for our kids. 2.) I will accept myself for who I am forced to become. 3.) I will force myself to smile and be pleasant around my H. 4.) I will stop focusing on all the wrongs I did in our R and start remembering all the good things we had. 5.) I will GAL. Start going out and enjoy life without him. I will reconnect with old friends and make new ones. 6.) I am going to learn to walk in 3 inch heels.
