looking for hope

[jc180]

I saw my wife today when we switched visitation. I had asked her in the past for a copy of our tax return and my wedding ring back. She told me she will get back to me on the tax return and that she will give me back the ring after our court hearing because she doesn't want me to wear it to court. I was angry at that. When she left I knew something was up and I checked the house out. Turns out some photo albums were missing. I called her up and asked her what she took. She claimed it was only her pre-marriage photos. I reminded her that the court order stipulated that no one was to take any photos or destroy them. She then told me I have photos on my computer that she cannot access because of my password. She said she didn't want me to destroy them. I thought that was ironic since I am the one trying who didn't want the marriage to end. I told her not to worry about me because she was the one trying to erase the past. So she told me "I guess this is an issue between us" and that was the end of the conversation.

Later on I went outside to bring in the trash can and check to see if it still had trash in it. Right on top of the trash was a bunch of pictures and gifts I had given her. One was an anniversary gift, a box with a picture of all three of us. I was so angry I texted her and told her I noticed what she did. She said it was all her property and that I don't concern her and I was just bitter. I am really getting fed up with her behavior.

I went to my attorney today to give him his payment. We discussed what happened and he is going to contact her attorney and reminder her of the restraining order against damaging property. He also told me in his experience her behavior is typical. Only it is usually the man and in this scenario I am the home maker. He told me he was not surprised that she didn't bring any character witnesses to the trial. Apparently the "man" in this type of case doesn't want anyone still in his life to know about his behavior. He also said they always try to screw you out of any money. It is a power thing for them. They see you as the enemy and they don't want to lose. This falls in line with what I have been reading about MLC. She is just not the woman I knew. She absolutely hates me and looks down on me.

Through all of this I have tried to keep the faith. I am running out of steam. I think i am reaching the point where my love for her is starting to no longer cloud my thinking. Some of the excuses I made for her in the past are no longer valid in my mind. I have to accept that she is not a good person. For so long I rationalized her behavior. Things from the past just keep popping up in my head and I am seeing them in a new light. After all who wants to admit to themselves that they married someone with serious flaws. Because I love her so much I explained everything away. I took responsibility away from her and placed it on myself. But now I ask myself why should I do that now? Like someone said earlier, she fired you as her husband.

My therapist has helped me realize some things about myself. One of them is that I have abandonment issues. My mother left my dad when I was 13. She moved in with the OM and his kids. From that day on I didn't see her for over a year. In fact I was the one who made contact with her first. So here I was having to take care of my younger brother. A crash course in home making while my dad got drunk and cried every day for months. Plus, my dad was not a very nice guy to begin with. He told me I was worthless and helpless since I could remember. No wonder I accept what my wife tells me about myself. When she says I am a liar, a cheat, and a manipulator there is a part of me that believes it. It must be true because it came from someone that is supposed to love me and care for me. But the logical part of me knows better now. I know that just like my dad she is projecting her own insecurities on me plus she is using her words to control me. LOL, I just realized something. Words mean a lot to me. I was always the communicator in our marriage. No wonder I got my bachelors in English lit!

You are right chatterbug. I don't want her back. At least not the person she is right now. I've been conditioned since childhood to be the peacemaker. I'm also use to verbal abuse. So if I went to therapy a long time ago to deal with those issues why would I invite them back into my life now? What would be the point? That would be a major backslide. During my first session the therapist asked why I was there. I said it was because I didn't want to be like my Dad and I didn't want my son to have the same relationship to me that I had with him. I didn't want to be that angry guy. If I took her back now I would be putting myself right back into that scenario. My son deserves better than that. He deserves a father who is not afraid of his wife. Who is not willing to let himself be emasculated in order to keep the peace. A father who sees himself as a Man. That is one thing I've thought about myself forever, that I don't feel like a man. I feel like a child with the responsibilities of a man.

I feel like it's okay to be mad at her. I need to give myself permission to be angry at her. Maybe it's what I need to give me some perspective.

Thanks for listening.