What if?

[AJM]

Hi IB. I'm listening. I get it. There was a really good post by Walking in "Need help on this unexpected journey/Stopping D" tonight. You should read it. You should also refocus a bit and realize it wasn't about you. You are who you are. Nothing more and nothing less. Not perfect, but not the monster he blew up out of proportion either. You are perfect as intended regardless of what others say. Even if we used to trust those others.
I remember walking into work one day. I had been putting notes around the house of self affirmation (don't laugh - it helped). It dawned on me as I was walking in that even though my ex was spewing all kinds of junk, it took her a great deal of effort to come up a story that helped her feel better about herself and what she was doing. It took her to lie about things and make some of them up completely, to distort things enough that she felt she could justify running away. In 20 years together, she could only come up with one thing even after all that effort.
My self-esteem was shot. My ego wanted revenge.
I laughed so hard people started to stare I laughed because I realized it wasn't about me. That she had to make things up and I laughed because I had bought into it. That was my turning point in all of this.
My self-esteem is mine and my responsibility. She has no say in it. I grew up in that moment. But I still had moments (recently too) that I struggle with the ego's desire to get "even". I know I wouldn't be happy if I inflicted that kind of hurt on her. It would contradict the love I had for her. I still love her, but more as an old acquaintance that I have to deal with sometimes (kids). One interaction at a time I put in and enforce boundaries. I grew at first from that. I then realized that she had left, but wasn't really "gone". She came back to try and hurt from time to time and to vent her anger and rage. I continued to set and enforce boundaries. Still do. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel in dealing with this type of person now and it grows brighter each day. She tries harder, but it no longer matters because I am me. Nothing more. Nothing less. I'm not perfect but I am a good person and love myself enough without losing my perspective about how I can contribute in this world.
I've stumbled along the way, IB. I have my moments if I let them in. Old, now unfamiliar ways I used to think and act. I am not the same, but I am somehow better and stronger. Me 2.0 if you will. I got that way one step at a time and through a lot of hard work. I'm not done.
I get what you are saying. It is easy to feel that way if you lose perspective. If lose that child like inquisitiveness. If you let yourself curl up and "play it safe" for the rest of your life.
Do I think how much I gave to my marriage? Sure. But now I think of it in terms of "how can I do more in my next marriage?" I understand there is no "safe" person out there. There are those we trust and many that will not let us down. Some will. I might pick one that does, but not because I picked wrong. Because they are human and therefore imperfect. I choose to take that chance again and to realize I will survive regardless. I can give all of me again even though it may make me nervous. I am not concerned. Life it short and I won't let fear or doubt ruin it. I've seen what that looks like and I don't like it. It's not comfortable to me.
My self-esteem is fine now. I'm older and wiser. I know me better. I stand on my own two feet and help others where I can both here and in the real-world. I believe in my God. I believe in the goodness of people and the evil in people. I accept it all now.
His loss and a shame he couldn't overcome his issues. So much so that he felt he had to blame you so he wouldn't have to face that.
Keep your perspective IB. Don't let his actions and inabilities rob you of a great life.

AJ