Hello, WAW. Is anyone there?

[AlwaysTrying]

When we talked to the DB coach today, she said she wanted me to stop sending the mean texts. She specifically called up a series of texts I sent her after she turned down some help I offered her.

My wife was sick, feeling terrible, looking awful and my daughter was not sleeping well. I stay at the house Friday nights, but this was a Thursday night. I offered to take care of the daughter for the night, and she said no. I should have just left and not texted her at all, but I got upset about it instead and sent her these texts:

You leave me so confused. I'll admit that I like being here and being near my kids and seeing them a little extra. I'm not sure exactly why I like sleeping in the attic better than my apartment. I'm disappointed for me you won't let me stay. But I'm confused why the help is so unwanted. If I stay here another night, does it make our custody battle harder for you? Are you afraid of the kids enjoying some extra time with me? You certainly act like it. I want badly to understand you. And to understand why it is so hard for you to imagine being happy with me.

I am so confused why you resist the good that comes from me and focus so intently on the bad - and mostly on the past. Why are our hopes for our family so different? When did that happen?

I feel like you go out of your way to be not happy with me. I wonder if you put conscious effort into preventing us from healing or ever getting close again. I think you know for a fact if I knew what behaviors were hurting you, I would spare no effort into changing them into something positive. You would have to be crazy not to see that at this point. I am so confused.

If you wonder why I'm always assuming there is someone else, its because your pattern of behavior toward me matches that profile and at least it makes some sense. Ok. Now it sounds like I'm belittling your point of view. I know you act and feel the way you do for a reason. I know that you feel the way that you do. I just want to understand.

I'm sorry I'm being an ass.

I get that the texts were unwanted and unhelpful. I get that I should have held my tongue. The frustration wasn't about being turned down for help one night, it was me blowing a gasket that she has been impossible to reach the whole awful time.

But it didn't register as a "mean" email for me. And I guess that is the problem.

I thought I was doing better than this. I think I was once, but fell off the wagon when the illusion that things were getting better shattered.

I'm just going to shut up for a while.