Not sure of next step

[Accuray]

Wow I missed a lot. Yes, Starsky, I would never categorize an EA as "just" an EA. I am a multiple EA survivor. If you have read the 15 stages of infidelity (or whatever the number is), the only difference between an EA and a PA is really the last two stages, which really isn't much. The damage comes in the emotional connection in either case, the physical side just drives the hurt deeper. Interestingly, my W had 2 "one-nighters" that didn't go all the way, then 2 long term EA's. The one-nighters are more painful in many ways because they are harder to rationalize.

I also agree with Starsky's perspective on the WAS "wanting" to be back in the marriage. They can decide to be back, but they can't make themselves "want" their LBS. It definitely hurts the LBS to feel like "the path of least resistance". The good part is that they're there, so you have a starting line. If you don't let the "easiest option" thing bother you too much you can put it in the rearview and try to build something better, IMO.

My W did not deny having inappropriate relationships, but she does not regret that she did it. She's sorry for how it made me feel, but she's not remorseful. In her rationalization, she was on a path to divorce me, had already detached, so it was okay for her to engage with someone new. Now she views it in the same context as a former boyfriend, or someone who she dated before we met. WAS logic is interesting in some ways and infuriating in others.

I'm still with Shaky, I don't think it's a matter of being naive. We're saying "I can't control W, if she chooses to re-engage in an affair, she's going to. I'm going to do the best I can to make sure the marriage is fulfilling enough to prevent that. If it's not enough, I trust that we'll discuss it next time before it comes to infidelity. If you cheat again, I'm gone."

I do think that W should go no contact with OM, but that's for her to decide and offer, not for Shaky to demand.

Accuray