Learning as I go

[tested metal]

Well I might have just blew it! W called to discuss mediation paperwork and I told her that this was her divorce and that I never wanted it. I told her I still love her and wish we could work it out.

She accused me of putting work above her, which I could see how she would feel that way, but I was looking for another job and could not find one that would support the family as well. We already had financial burdens to begin with. She also could have changed her job, but would not because she could not find anything. So now that we've split, we both have found jobs with a compatible schedule... and now it's my fault.

She accused me of not spending time with her, but I tried.. She cancelled multiple date nights we had planned and we had a baby so it was hard to get time off and a sitter during that year.

I realize that this set of circumstances is hard to go through and is common in early marriages, but she will not get over it. She has decided to quit and run instead of working on our issues, even now when we have time to do so.

She told me she could never forgive me for what I said to mutual friends (which I did not say anything that was not already posted on her facebook page to eveyone anyway). I admitted fault because I was hurt and looking for validation and support because I thought I was going crazy. I asked for her forgiveness on that.

I told her that what she did was not exactly the most forgivable thing either (forcing me out of our home, lying, cheating, and putting the affair in public and exposing our child to it), but I was willing to forgive and work past it. She sounded like she was crying and she eventually had to go because she had to get back to work.

I know that I broke DBing rules but I felt that the D was coming anyway and I needed to get the issue off my chest and clear the air on things unsaid. I felt like I had nothing to lose.

Any thoughts?