Hi Brit45. Thanks for your note and your words of encouragement. It's comforting to know that other couples have gone through something like this, but not comfortable to be in this situation!!
Although it's been a hellish experience, I think I am a better, stronger person than I was six months ago. I have gotten back into shape (and am building a new wardrobe to match), gone back to hobbies I love (rowing, reading, etc.), am out there more socially, got a raise and bonus at work, am doing charitable work, travelling on my own and with my son more.
She grumbles about all of this... makes cruel remarks about my self-improvement. Makes a point of staying/sleeping in another room.
It's hard to tell what's going through her mind because I don't think I'm really dealing with a rationale person here. Here's why...
We started therapy together -- me going at it from the viewpoint that perhaps I could forgive and we could reconcile; her from the viewpoint that we should find a way to split amicably. As they do, the therapist saw us together first, then each of us individually.
Following that, the therapist thinks my wife has some form of Cluster B personality disorder (based on childhood issues) -- Narcisstic PD or Borderline PD -- that basically makes her addicted to outside attention. She mirrors the behaviour of others (when we're with other married couples, she slides the wedding band back on and acts the role of perfect mom); when she's with her party-girl friends, she too is a party girl; when she's hit on by whatever lurking bar guy, she laps up the compliments and goes home with him.
I'm pretty sure she's 'dating' one of these guys she met -- meeting for lunch, coffee, drinks and late night liaisons.
The therapist thinks her lashing out at me and making snarky comments about my self improvement is owed to her feelings of extreme shame and guilt about what she's done. Still [censored], though... I wish that guilt and shame would translate into an apology and maybe a recommitment to our partnership.
It's a crazy, scary situation, and one I never thought I'd find myself in. But in retrospect, I suppose there were always signs of her needing outside affirmation, craving attention, etc. It's just reached an extreme now. Something seems to have snapped when she had her hysterectomy plus some issues in her family back in the fall.
As much as I'd like a little companionship right now, there's no way I'll jeopardize custody of my son by dating anyone right now. And in the long run, I think I'd look back and regret doing that during a time when she clealy needs help...
Giving her/me 7 months to work it out one way or another. Come January 2013 things will change no matter what.
