Snodderly and kimmerz, thank you so much for your responses. Your words really comforted me this morning. I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept that there is nothing I could have done to avoid this. My self-esteem took such a hit when my H left and blamed this all on me. Why am I accepting the blame and judgement of someone who is not well? When I look back I know that I could have done some things differently, but I'm not this horrible person that my H needed to run from. I was frustrated with my marriage. I felt emotionally abandoned. I felt like a single parent. I was being dragged down by my depressed H who wasn't taking responsibility for his own happiness. I know all of this, so why do I continue to feel responsible? If only I had been more compassionate, loving, interested in sex, etc. I do know why I wasn't. I didn't feel truly loved and after awhile I developed a lot of resentment. Maybe I'm mad at myself for not communicating my needs and for allowing myself to suffer for as long as I did. And then he has the nerve to leave me! I don't know what to do with all that I'm feeling. I'm afraid that I won't recover from this until I have another man tell me all that I need to hear. I know I need to love myself first. I'm working on that, but I'm really struggling with the lack of affection and security. In the mean time, it's killing me that my H is dating and showing other women what I am craving. How is it that the person who is wrong is getting their needs met? He's not struggling with abandonment and emotional devastation. I swear to God I just want to beat him at his own game. I know that sounds really unhealthy, but I just want the satisfaction of vindication. This is so not me. Yikes!
