You did not offend me. I appreciate your thoughts. If anything this board has taught me over the past year - it's to really look at all advice and see if there is any truth to it.
I suspect you are right with my w about grilling me again and a pattern beginning
Here was the previous pattern.
W - Persecutor Val - too scared to say anything or stick up for myself.
Part of the reason I never stuck up for myself is because I would get "more grilling" or the silent treatment, or the guilt factor.
It is hard doing things knowing that my w will react in a way that I suspected she would
I'm not surprised by the grilling. I'm not surprised by any of her behavior...
... but I can't go back to the old Val.
And I wish I could say that I was in the phase - Where I just didn't care. But I'm not.
Even now I can say in honesty - that although I do this for me, I also do it show her that I'm done.
That I am saying "You DON'T get to do X anymore.. or Y".
And there is a part of me of hopes that she will change and it's more in the foreground than I would like...
... because I care about her. And there is still a part of me that still wants our marriage to work.
I know that will take a VERY long time to become healthy again. And that everything I do is MUDDY with emotions.
So I recently asked for help.....
... I'm ready for this to be over. I can't seem to make myself contact her in any way caz I'm too scared of what she will say. Too scared of how my heart will react.
I am living in fear.. actually I am not really living at all.
So I asked my friends to help me. Help me write the emails that I need to write to her. Do the final things that I need to do.
In some ways, my life has just turned into shambles and I want it to stop. God has been awesome at providing me the opportunities.... but he can't make me physically do anything.
I asked my friends to give ME some tough love. That moving forward is what I need. And that I'm scared and I'm going to "buck" against them a little bit.. but I know that I'm ready as I'm going to be and that... all the "bucking" is just fear talking.
They agreed.
I've given myself a June 1st deadline to be done with everything.
Today - I will work on finding my apartment. It is the messiest I have ever seen it.
Damn!t! I will crawl out of this hole!
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
