What do I do next? Part 4

[luvhurts49]

@Accuray, you're right, the yearning does tear me apart, but so does the things that my kids are going through. I'm not looking at my W and trying to see things better than what they were, but just giving myself the notion that I COULD have been doing so.

I don't look back and regret many things in my life. I made the best decisions that I thought I could at the time and I have to live with them. The same goes for my W. If this is who my W is now, then that's who she is. I can't change that. I feel sorry for her and I feel sad for my kids, but there isn't anything I can do to change it. I just keep putting on my fake smile, enjoy the time that I can with my kids, and continue to try and move forward.

Now as far as me and what I miss about myself...not much. My life was my M. My best friend was my W. I'll be honest, the old me (20 years ago) was and a$$hole. I'm not that way anymore and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not afraid to cry, I'm not afraid to show people how I feel, and I'm sure and hell not afraid to stand up and fight for what I deserve.

The old me...doesn't exist anymore. I know I have to find out who I am without my W and that has been really hard. I keep going day after day without knowing where I'll end up. I don't know what else to do, so I just keep moving one way or another...I have to, for me and my kids.