psst... Starsky... it was me that used the "just" an EA quoting...
I thought your wife had admitted the OP. The reason I put emphasize on "just" is as a form of sarcasm. AFAIC, an A is an A but it seems frequently that people downplay an A if it hasn't been physical.
There isn't much of a distinction between what you would do and what I would do, except that while I realized I could forgive an A, I would not ask my W to choose between the OP and I. I would simply be gone. Shoot first, ask questions later.
While I believe that my W had an EA so I'd be hypocritical saying that I'd leave if there was an A (since I stood, for a while), I actually believe my W doesn't recognize an A when it is just emotional. I've met a lot of people in my life that claim that BFFs are not A's even if they interfere with the connection between two spouses.
My W doesn't appear to recognize an EA as an A AND... she believes that love is a choice... so for me, it's a double bind. She didn't have an A but she is choosing to not love me. That denial (of the A), wherever it comes from, has become the choice... addiction or not... in the same way that alcohol makes someone emotionally unavailable. I am sure that being an ACOA is the reason why I will not tolerate an A. I know that it is pointless to try to convince someone (or rationalize with them) that they have an addition.
Anyhow, that's the only real difference I know of between your sitch (Starsky) and mine. And I see that in Shaky's sitch. His W appears to not recognize that she is having an A. And while I've seen and do believe that strategic intervention can work... I don't know that it works with someone who is MLC. A spouse would have to first recognize that they ARE in MLC and then they would have to get THROUGH the MLC and THEN... they might understand or admit (to themselves, first) that they had an A.
On being passive aggressive on an A, like I said in my case that is probably due to my being an ACOA and the frustration that while SI CAN work... it is still the choice and responsibility of the A spouse to admit they "have a problem"... and second, I've seen so much damage due to domestic violence caused by infidelity... I just wouldn't go there...
So just offering my own take on dealing with an A, even if there was proof...
