I would always have a question in the back of my mind if they only chose out of fear, rather than out of desire.
I read about this at length and discussed it with my IC. The conclusion I drew was that your spouse cannot separate the person from the package they represent. Therefore, you can never be confident that they chose you out of desire, and you have to be okay with that
Accuray
I believe in two very basic premises, which framed my decision-making in my sitch, and continues to frame my advice to others:
1. Love is a decision; and
2. Affairs are addictions.
If you believe that, then you won't care about the whole "commitment-vs.-compliance" thing at the early stage -- you will want to try to end the affair and convince the wayward spouse to return to the marriage and work with you on it, together, understanding that the DESIRE may take a looong time to return. Months or even years, depending on the level of pre-affair marital dysfunction, as well as the depth and length of the emotional attachment of the affair partners.
People that say "I want her to WANT to return to the marriage" usually haven't studied much about affairs. They are HIGHLY ADDICTIVE, and your spouse isn't in any condition to want you right now. They're not going to just suddenly "come to their senses" and have strong feelings of desire for you as long as their is another man or woman in their head and heart.
