so if your WAS IS hiding the OP - what do you do about it?
There is plenty you can do. Some of which we can't mention here on this forum, but it all comes down to what your own boundaries are. Personally, I am a "I will not share my wife with another man guy." But that's just me.
Starsky
yup...
No sharesies...
pull it back a bit... the only difference between Starsky and I (and I completely respect his choices that led to his R) is a slightly different language and posture at the point of "the question[/i]" of choosing.
Starsky, your W admitted to the OP, correct?
I think when the OP is in the open, requesting a choice with consequences is appropriate.
When the OP is not in the open or there is denial of an A (especially if it is only an EA)... its not a simple matter of asking someone to make a choice of no contact with a [b]suspected OP...
I am very confident that my W had an EA with OM1 and OM2, even though it may not have become a PA with OM1 (OM2 is gay and is with a partner; doesn't prove anything, just a fact). With OM3, I believe it is also just an EA, even though my W very likely does not view it as such because she actually is unable to be (consciously) emotionally available with anyone at this time...
So if there is overt denial (lying) or covert denial of the A, then requesting no contact might be similar to requesting no contact of an enabler whom they consider (and otherwise would be) a BFF.
IF my W were to admit that there was an OP, I would not ask the question. I would be gone...
Accu, I'm failing to see the distinction.
First, I'm not sure why you keep italicizing "just an EA," as any woman on this (or any other) forum will tell you, only us DAM's make that mistake. For a woman, sharing yourself emotionally with another is just as -- if not MORE -- meaningful, so us guys make the "just an EA" assessment at our peril.
Secondly, no, my wife did not admit to being anything more than "just friends" with her OM, and she continued lying to everyone -- me, our adult daughters, even her own parents -- about it so much that I finally had to do my "stop the deceit" re-confrontation with her, and threaten to share the evidence that I had about her affair with those people if she didn't come clean about it. My thinking was, "I may not be able to stop the affair, but I damned sure wasn't going to just sit here and have her LIE to everyone about it, and try to make ME out like I was crazy," when she and I both knew the nature of her relationship with OM, and she KNEW that I knew.
But even if that were not the case, I don't see where it makes a difference. When you say:
Quote:
When the OP is not in the open or there is denial of an A (especially if it is only an EA)... its not a simple matter of asking someone to make a choice of no contact with a suspected OP...
,
then the only difference is, whether or not you have PROOF, at which point I would say -- if it (an affair) really is a dealbreaker for you -- GET some.
Taking a passive, "there's nothing I can do" approach doesn't work. It enables the affair, it kills attraction, and it saps the betrayed spouse's emotional strength and self-esteem if allowed to continue, in my opinion.
