Oh yes, the sleep deprived nights drive our need to process and think on things. I too woke up and thought about a few things, got a tad irritated, but then realized I couldn't sleep because I slept 9 hours the night before last.
Yes GM this is part of processing the abandonment. It just is. And it's a roller coaster ride. All you can do is buckle your seat belt on and just ride it out. That's all you can do. And it will NOT be fun. It will be miserable.
Your question, why do you want someone back that has no desire to change? Well I asked my self a million times over the last year. All I can say is that our hearts and heads are not in the same place when we go through that. Our hearts are full of hope, but our heads think logically. Logically, that's the right question to ask. But in a heartfelt manner...its completely opposite. We can't feel it because in our hearts and souls, this is not what we want and it hurts tremendously.
I've come to realize many things this past week in regards to my M, and I felt exactly the way you have felt. My needs were not being met for years. I felt empty, alone, frustrated and angry at times. But I too believed in my M and knew that it could be different if some changes were to be made. I tried doing my part in making changes, always hearing that one person's behavior can turn a marriage around. Well not in this case. It was impossible.
It did nothing. And it did nothing because Im now seeing clearly exactly what I was up against with XH. Im now seeing my marriage in a whole new ray of light now that I've had several interactions with XH, time and distance. And what I've had to admit to myself is hard.
My husband left under the parameters that scream MLC. And maybe a little MLC is what finally pushed him out the door. But realistically I have finally accepted and now understand that I was living with an addict. I was living with abuse. It was emotional and mental, never physical. It would wax and wane through the years, but there is no doubt about it, I've been in an abusive marriage and living with an addict. But because he never screamed and yelled, physically abused me, or was drunk or doing drugs all the time, I didn't consider it abuse. I've now learned that Abuse can be covert, sneaky, underhanded, and leave a person consistently questioning their sanity. And that's been my life for years now.
My Xh is a narcissist. He displayed this behavior ever since we were together, but did it in a way that was not overt and dramatic, but very subtle. I now understand why the good times that were good, were only because he was getting his fill of admiration through his job. In his last job he had celebrity status....he was a bartender. When he lost that job, he lost his celebrity status after the drama cooled down of him being in the spotlight of getting shot. And that is when he truly became unhinged, and then it all got turned to me.
My point is GM, no matter what the truth and psychology is behind this MLC, their actions and behaviors are NOT OK when they do this to us. It's just not.
Some MLCers go twist in the wind and by the grace of God see the eerror of their ways, come back to planet earth and at the very least try and make ammends for their actions. But alot of them don't seem to do it either.
As your process the grief of this loss, you will decide for yourself what you want to do. Stand or not. I think it's only through the process of the grief can we really come to that choice.
