W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P3

[Snowman]

Update-Son is fun but will have what I call "hockey month until he is 6-7 years old. Oh well, tha'ts kids for you.

My W is on her London trip and I don't have to deal with hear calling or texting while she is gone because it was would cost her a fortune to do so from her cell phone. I get my S for like 2 weeks straight which will be fun and tiring at the same time.

I coached his soccer practice by myself and did a great job getting the kids to do drills/games. They enjoyed it. I coached his soccer game as well and another divorce dad stepped up to help which I was thankful for as I had to run my S to the potty during the middle of them game. The game went well and the kids played great.

I was flipping through songs on my Ipod hooked to the car and landed on "The First Cut is the Deepest" by Sheryl Crow and 5 seconds into the song my S said that is mommy's song so I continued to listen and said to myself "Oh Brother". I would like change the words to this song to direct it towards my W but oh well. I just thought it was crazy my S pointed it out to me.

I get to throw my S his Bday party without worrying about sharing my S as my W is on her vacation. Kudos for me.

I had a very eye opening conversation on Facebook with one of my W's childhood friend (lives far away now) that had been friends with her for 15+ years. She knew something weird was going on with my W just from all her Facebook activity. I told her what was going on as she asked and prefaced it with I didn't want to tell a one sided story or negative slant but fill her in on the basic events that happened. Her response to me is what blew me as it was spot on from my perspective and it felt like I was talking to the first person that actually knows who my W is.

I want to share some of the perspective shared by this person for you to read:
W's Friend: Well I hate to be psychoanalytical but I have know your W almost all her life. And one thing that has been consistent with her is her ability and desire to be accepted by whatever group she happens to find herself in. Everyone wants to be accepted, but for her she wants acceptance from everyone, no matter the group. She has always been extremely insecure in that way. So, most adults eventually find their values and whatever they stand for and stick with groups that can help them uphold that lifestyle, whether that be for or against the church or whatever.
Me: Your analysis is right on. She is way insecure.
W's Friend: Unfortunately, because your W has been bounced from one group to the next her whole life, she has never really come to grips with what she really believes in.
Because that changes based on who she is with, and those people and their values change all the time. So she is in constant flux and will be until she comes to term with who SHE is.
Me: Exactly
W's Friend: So, unfortunately for her, and for me, she decided to become close with those people who probably bad mouth the church and their beliefs, and so she acted exactly as is typical for her and decided to adopt those beliefs.
Me: She changes her mind so often I could never figure her out.
W's Friend: I am certain that if I was there to be an influence, or if she had clung to friends who could uphold the church values, then this would not have happened.
So, this is the real root of the problem, and hopefully someday she can see and come to grips with that.
Me: I don't want the perception to be that I was a perfect church goer either but I will never disown the church.
W's Friend: But, unfortunately, another big weakness of hers is denial. So it may be some time before this happens. And let's hope that it does.
Me: I wish I had talked to you a long time ago. You do know my W and are hitting it read on the head with her.
W's Friend: So if I were to say anything to her, I would say that "W's name". You need to separate yourself from everyone else and figure out what YOU believe and what you want. And you need to stick with that. And you also need to find a way to find some self-esteem in some way other than acceptance from everyone, because it has brought you and everyone else a lot of heart ache.
And sometimes, figuring out what you believe in just comes down to how you feel when you're doing one thing or the other.
If she truly feels happy with herself when she is partying and drinking and bouncing from guy to guy, then ok. I guess this is her happy place. But if she feels HAPPIER following the church and being in that place...
So yeah... I am not sure this helps YOU any.
Me: It does.
I feel like I'm talking to someone that knows my W
W's Friend: Well I would hope that I do.
I just feel terrible that I was not there. That she never called me.
Me: To much shame.
W's Friend: But I guess that was because of the friends she had decided to hang on to.
Me: She got pist at her mom for saying one thing and pretty much disowned her.
W's Friend: Well and the sad thing is that that anger is really evidence of her own self-loathing.
Me: Exactly
W's Friend: When people are angry at their own behavior, then they hate for others to point it out.
If they are not in the right place to want to do something about it.
Me: Exactly
Don't get me wrong I have my issues and went to counseling to work on me but she mostly projected her problems on me.
W's Friend: And, unfortunately, there are certain people who are particularly bad at pointing those things out, if they appear to be self-righteous or to have "had it easy and not be able to understand" like I might be, or people who have had their own fair share of issues so have no place to talk, like her mom.
Me: Yep
W's Friend: Well kudos to you for trying.
That's the biggest step in my opinion. It takes courage to own up and be brave enough to say, I need to make changes.
Me: True. I changing me for me.
My W tried to say I pushed all her friends away and I have yet to figure that out.
She literally has all new friends that I don't know at all.
W's Friend: Yeah I was not there enough to know.
Me: Its just an excuse for her behaviour
W's Friend: Well she is good at blaming others.
But a lot of people do that when in her situation.
Just another form of coping and denial.
Me: Yep

This is the meat and potatoes of the conversation. I wanted to share it for what its worth. Some may criticize me but I'm sharing the truth and sharing from a person that has known my W way longer than I ever have so I figure it is worth while perspective.