Not sure of next step

[Truegritter]

You can lock up the liquor cabinet but if the lock is broken you must be prepared to mourn your spoils at the hands of the interlopers...

And find a safer place to keep you whiskey.

[Shaky]

I've been following this discussion with some interest. Here's my opinion for what its worth. To some degree, not banishing OM is a show of strength and high value. Shaky believes his changes are significant enough and their communication is improved enough that he chooses to trust his wife and let the cards fall where they may.

Banishing OM is like snooping, its playing defensively and to some degree controlling. If he needs to continue to worry, then he's not doing the things he needs to do to ensure he's the best H possible.

I thought about making sure that W would have no contact with OM through any number of means. Where I landed, however, is that I can't control that and trying to monitor it will make me nuts and put me in a one-down position.

I would rather operate from a position of high value, know that I'm being the best husband and father I can be, and not worry about it. If she does it again I will eventually find out and I'm gone, simple as that, and I will not be inclined to be amicable through divorce.

From my perspective, it is Shaky's wife's responsibility to declare no contact or ask OM to stay away, and ideally she would do that out of respect for Shaky.

Maybe I'm being naive, but it has helped me to find peace. My attitude is "W you make your choices and then I will make mine"

Accuray

This is exactly how I see it. If I don't have enough confidence in myself and trust in my wife I believe I might as well just divorce her.

At least this way she is not snooping around behind my back. I know how I contributed to why she felt the way she did and will try much harder to meet her needs.

I will trust that my wife made a huge mistake and completely lost her mind while the dopamine kicked in and paved the way
to our breakdown. Note: I'm not totally blaming her for what happened but I'm only taking 50% of the blame.

Shaky

[sandi2]

let us know how that works out for you.

[Starsky309]

You're both being naive, in my opinion.


Starsky

[~ kd ~]

I just wanted to chime in here because we all have our own choices on how we want to handle an OP.

Personally, I stand firmly in the middle and say:

"I will make my choices and cannot control that of another, including whether my S will take up with an OP. All I ask for is respect. Choose what you want to choose, but respect me (and respect everyone) enough to not hide it if there IS an OP."

[zig]

so if your WAS IS hiding the OP - what do you do about it?

[~ kd ~]

That is the thing, there is nothing that one can do, one way or the other...

For me, I would never ask someone to make a choice of me over someone else. If they do not actively make that choice without assertion, then I can't believe they are truly committing. I would always have a question in the back of my mind if they only chose out of fear, rather than out of desire.

[Starsky309]

so if your WAS IS hiding the OP - what do you do about it?

There is plenty you can do. Some of which we can't mention here on this forum, but it all comes down to what your own boundaries are. Personally, I am a "I will not share my wife with another man guy." But that's just me.


Starsky

[~ kd ~]

so if your WAS IS hiding the OP - what do you do about it?

There is plenty you can do. Some of which we can't mention here on this forum, but it all comes down to what your own boundaries are. Personally, I am a "I will not share my wife with another man guy." But that's just me.


Starsky

yup...

No sharesies...

pull it back a bit... the only difference between Starsky and I (and I completely respect his choices that led to his R) is a slightly different language and posture at the point of "the question[/i]" of choosing.

Starsky, your W admitted to the OP, correct?

I think when the OP is in the open, requesting a choice with consequences is appropriate.

When the OP is not in the open or there is denial of an A (especially if it is only an EA)... its not a simple matter of asking someone to make a choice of no contact with a [b]suspected OP...

I am very confident that my W had an EA with OM1 and OM2, even though it may not have become a PA with OM1 (OM2 is gay and is with a partner; doesn't prove anything, just a fact). With OM3, I believe it is also just an EA, even though my W very likely does not view it as such because she actually is unable to be (consciously) emotionally available with anyone at this time...

So if there is overt denial (lying) or covert denial of the A, then requesting no contact might be similar to requesting no contact of an enabler whom they consider (and otherwise would be) a BFF.

IF my W were to admit that there was an OP, I would not ask the question. I would be gone...

[Accuray]

I would always have a question in the back of my mind if they only chose out of fear, rather than out of desire.

I read about this at length and discussed it with my IC. The conclusion I drew was that your spouse cannot separate the person from the package they represent. Therefore, you can never be confident that they chose you out of desire, and you have to be okay with that

Accuray