Today, he had taken the kids out all day to go to an animal type nature park and then shopping. They bought something for me for mother's day too,I think. I was watering the flowers when they got home and I had to turn around and close my eyes so they could unload the car into their Dad's car with lots of kid patrol and "don't peek Mom's". It was cute. I heard all about what they had saw, then my H said he wanted to talk to me for a minute, so we got the kids inside and came back out to talk in private.
He was supposed to take the kids tonight to sleep at his house, but he asked me if it would be okay for them to stay here with me. He said he had them all day and just really needed to be alone tonight and sort out his thoughts. And then he also said he wanted to tell me he was going to go to his counseling tomorrow and then go fishing or do something alone all day and just wanted to basically disappear for a day to think and be alone (his words), but he wanted me to not worry and know he was okay, he is just processing a lot and really needed to not be around anyone. Tomorrow is a PTSD counseling appointment in the morning. When he started them, he wanted me to go on each one, now he wants to go by himself and he doesn't want to be around anyone afterwards for a bit. This is the first time he is making a day of it, but it is also the first full day off in a long time that I can remember when he has had an appointment.
I said that was fine and I understand, and just to call me if he needed to talk or wanted anything. I know I have to give him that space when he needs it, and I have been seeing how he loves the kids, but I can tell it is a lot for him to handle sometimes. I know he is struggling with the knowledge that he feels he can't handle certain situations, and that is hard for him.
We talked a little more, and he really opened up and frankly blew my mind. He was telling me how he is struggling a lot, he is crying frequently, he goes back and forth from hour to hour about getting a divorce and then moving us all back in together and moving somewhere new to start over together. He talked about how a lot of the time he doesn't say anything, because he knows his thoughts are going all over the place and aren't leveled out, so he just says nothing and lets it pass. It was probably a 30 minute conversation where he did all the talking and really opened up. It also really confirmed in my mind not to question whether PTSD is the driving force in what he is going through right now ever again. I was able to even talk to him a little about it and he didn't react like he usually does. I think he knows it even, and he is fighting that knowledge, but I could see it in his face that he knows it is controlling his actions and changing him. He even said at work, his coworkers are talking about how he is more anti-social at work and doesn't talk as much, keeps to himself, goes to bed early. (He sleeps there in 12 hour shifts.)
I just told him I am glad he is still talking to me and thanked him for letting me know he needs the space and not just disappearing and letting me worry. I told him I will be there if he needs to talk or needs anything, but that I would leave him alone so he could have his solitude and space tomorrow that he asked for. I also thanked him for being honest with me. I know he is closing doors on people left and right, and even with how he is acting with me, he is trying hard to not do that and hurt me. Man, this is hard to watch though. To see how hurt he is and how he is hurting himself, and to not really be able to do much to help it, except stay away when he needs it and try to give him "normal" when he can deal with it.
I actually mentioned that I had been reading about PTSD and spouses and had found that forum that I mentioned in an earlier post and it was helpful to me to read about other situations people are going through. I was careful not to blame everything on PTSD and him, because he gets very upset if he feels I am "diagnosing" him and the relationship, but he actually just listened this time and didn't react. He didn't say much either, but he was listening. I didn't talk about it much, I didn't want to push my luck, I was just trying to open a dialog with him, but I told him I was trying to learn more about it, and that I wanted him to know he can talk with me about anything and he can also let me know when he feels a certain way and I would try to help him if I could, or if he wanted me to. I said I'm not going to judge his actions, or react, I just want to be there for him, and I hope that he doesn't feel the need to hide it from me. I know he heard it, and will think about it. I also know this appointment tomorrow is a big deal for him.
It is a lot for me to think about tonight. I feel like I know better what I am fighting now. I just have to figure out how to go about it.
M 36 H 36 D9,S6, Expecting D in August 2012 M 13 T 18 Told me he wanted to separate 12/31/2011 Moved Out 2/2/2012 Didn't want to work on things, wanted divorce 4/20/2012
