So to get things started some history. We met in 1987 and got close really fast. W was 24 at the time, me 28 and a little over a year since I had arrived in the States. She was coming out of a D at the time, had basically married to get out of her parents house, grabbed the first guy who showed any interest in her. He was a jerk and it lasted less than a year. W was filing papers when we met, and I was of course the knight in shining armor coming to her rescue. Soon we fell in love and our time together was wonderful. Her marriage prevented W from finishing college, so I helped her correct that and get her full teaching degree. That meant she had to move away in 1988 and we drifted apart because of distance and a few other reasons. W says now that looking back that even though she loved me she wondered if she could trust me in the long run.
We did get back together in time to celebrate her graduation in 1989, but our time was short lived since her teaching practice was overseas. I did manage one trip to see her during that period, and we committed ourselves again then, deeper than before. When W returned she moved in with me and found a job teaching but in pre-school, not grade school as she really wanted. That caused some friction since she was having to choose between being with me and doing what she loved.
In 1990 my father died suddenly at the age of 57, removing one of my major props when I was 31 years old. A few months after that W decided that she had to leave me for various reasons, most obvious was to pursue her career objectives, but there were other underlying issues that she choose not to share with me. I was stuck sort of as the LBS even though we were not married, we had been living as if we were. The obvious question that one asks, why not married? There was never a good time of stability in our R, or maybe too many things we could both us as excuses not to commit. When she left I was as helpful as I could be, but she made it clear that for the time being we were apart. I did well with the GAL tactic, although I did not know it at the time. Had a couple of PAs during that period, but as she made it clear we were apart I thought nothing of it. For all I knew she was doing the same.
Over Christmas 1990 I made an extended trip back to Europe and called her just to pass along seasonal greetings, but ended up talking for 2 hours (expensive in those days!) leading to our R being rekindled. When I returned stateside we met up and had several wonderful romantic weekends and things started moving along nicely. But then another bombshell, I was laid off from my job which again put our future on ice. I was enrolled in a part time Masters program at the time so I converted to a full time student to get it finished. Graduated in May of 1991, she was with me during that time, and soon after I sold my condo, packed my stuff in a u-haul, and moved in to her small apartment. We spent the summer traveling across country visiting friends and learning more about each other, good and bad bits.
When the summer ended she went back to work, and I started the job search. Remember, this was recession time (not like this most previous one) so jobs for a non-citizen were few and far between. Eventually I landed something in 1992, but needed to relocate again, and once the school year ended she moved to be with me. This was the start of us being at least physically in the same space until very recently at least, about 20 years! That December we bought a house together and once we moved in, started talking about marriage again. However, she started at least an EA, her job had her traveling and there was this other guy, he would call the house late in the evening and she would talk with him about "work" for way too long. This rocked my boat too and I embarked on an EA of my own. We were in coupes therapy at the time, but it was not of much use since neither of us seemed to understand the process or why we were doing it. Just before her 30th birthday we both came to our senses and reconciled, which lead to use getting married the following March in a courtroom on a small Caribbean island. We decided on a small wedding for ourselves since our families were so distant physically it seemed impossible to find a venue that would work. She also changed jobs getting away from the EA, and the source of my EA left for another job, and soon after that I found new employment.
Our S was born in October of 1996, and things were great. We had a kid who slept through the night well, W was working at something she loved, and I was enjoying my job. S was in day care during the week, and we enjoyed the family dynamic, our friends and our love was strong. We were enough!
In 1997 the bank I was working for got swallowed up in one of those banking consolidations that were common then, and ultimately that meant my position was eliminated. We weathered that storm; W had health insurance and I was able to fall back on my network and outside interests to run my own business for a few years, something I always wanted to do, but not for my entire life. Also I used connections to get some consulting work, but it was never going to be lucrative enough long term. In early 2000 W was pregnant again and said she wanted to stop working when our child was born, so it was up to me to, as she put it, to get a "grown up job" again. Managed that in February of 2001, with the employer I am still with today. We also moved house in the summer of 2000, while W was pregnant.
W will tell that things started to go wrong for her after our D was born. The story she tells is that she came home from the hospital and I immediately asked her what was for dinner. Actually as I remember it I asked her what she would like for dinner, but I am past worrying about being right about those things, and she will not change her mind on that one anyway. Our D had some health issues in the first 5+/- years which was hard on my W. Also she had quit work, a source of adult validation and affirmation, leaving her alone during the day with a kid in pre-school, one clingy toddler, and not much in the way of family support. Our D really wanted nothing to do with me during that period, so I was not really able to lighten the load much. Job changes internally kept me pressured so I was getting it from both sides.
We moved again in 2004, to a larger house in the suburbs (we were always city dwellers before) both of us thinking that this would solve the problems that were starting to surface between us. SL waned, she was always tired and with two kids scheduling time for just us two became hard, then we just stopped trying since all our efforts went into kids stuff (cub scouts, soccer, brownies etc.). I am also to blame, around this time she became more critical and complaining, I started to withdraw into things I felt competent doing, one of which was NOT being emotionally open, available and vulnerable. My efforts became more about being a good provider, and an active involved father, I was not a perfect husband.
Time moved on. We had the perfunctory family vacations, birthdays and Christmas celebrations, but I was always wondering where my soul mate was. W felt the same but we could not talk about it. She started sending me notes that were scathing and basically stating that something had to change. I would step up with household chores for a few months, but over time the same patterns would resurface. We stumbled through a few years like this, and I guess the resentment started to grow in her. She would spend more and more time with her friends, and her emotional energy was reserved for the kids then her friends, none for me, which I started to resent.
In 2010 two important things happened. First, her old boss finally persuaded her to come back to work. This had been going on for a few years, and I told her that the kids were old enough and yes, she should consider it. So she agreed to start again in the fall of 2010. In June we had a huge row, during which she told me she was done. I tried to understand what she meant by this, being a man and looking for the action behind the words, but nothing was forthcoming. The row followed an incident where I was pretty rude and disrespectful of two friends without any justification. For the next few months I upped my game in the household chores department, and everything seemed to be fine, but I now know she was content because the exit strategy was being formed.
This is a long post. I will add another that details the last 12 months and where we are now. Thanks for reading!
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
