You're right, needgrace. Weekends can be very lonely. I have my kids, but I'm not enjoying them the way that I usually do. I am trying to restore joy, but it's hard. I live in a beautiful area with so much to do that I would think this would be easier. I cannot get past the feeling that someone is missing. Work days are easier.
As far as DB, my opportunities are limited since I have very little contact with my H. He has avoided me when he picks up the boys (infrequently). I find it interesting, however, that he answers my phone calls. I'm not going to try to figure that out. I need to re-read DR and continue reading/posting here. I am forcing myself to take a step forward this weekend even though it's lonely.
I'd like to add my enthusiasm for the book "The Solos Partner" by Phil Deluca. The last 3 chapters of the book focus on the pursuer/distancer relationship and are by far the best description and "how to change the dance" of anything I have read. I have had the pleasure of speaking with the author and he is the real deal.
I wish that book wasn't so hard to find. I'd really like to read it today, but it looks like I'll have to order it. In the meantime, I've been doing a lot of reading on masculine and feminine energy and, boy, has a lightbulb gone on. More on that as I digest what I am reading. I'll say this in the meantime, I've had to suppress a lot of my female qualities because my H wasn't/isn't a confident man. Our relationship only perpetuated that as I had to take on more of his role and suppress my own.
It sounds as if you are the pursuer in the relationship and your husband the distancer. A quote from Deluca's book.... "The ONLY way a pursuer can improve a relationship with a distancer is to STOP ALL PURSUIT." The book was published in 1996 but I think you can get it from Amazon. When you get your hands on it go straight to chapters 8-10 and after you read those you can start at the beginning. The other excellent chapter in the book is chapter 3 on "reactivity". He gives excellent practical advice on how to end the cycle of reactivity in a relationship that does not yield good results.
I myself am a pursuer and my husband a distancer. We have been separated since this past Sept. It has been my experience that truly stopping pursuit does get their attention. Not that it necessarily ensures a successful re-uniting, but they do notice when you stop pursuing. And this can be tricky because they are used to being pursued and is a huge shift for you and them. The difficult thing for me has been my H notices, and then reaches out to me and I typically take the bait and that is not good. Another truism that Deluca explains in his book, is that until the actions of the distancer mirror his/her words, it is not sincere. Until there is consistency between the words and actions of the distancer he/she cannot be trusted to truly be ready to re-engage in the relationship. I have found this to be true.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you back56 and snodderly. I wish I would have been strong enough months ago to stop pursuing my H. I rarely contact him, but when I do I make the huge mistake of taking off my business hat and returning to the lonely, desperate woman who wants her H back. Not attractive. I read that a man is attracted to a woman with boundries and who expresses what they want/don't want. This is a woman they can trust. Is this true guys?
OK, this is totally baffling. I have blocked my H from sending emails, texts, etc. He can only reach me on the home phone. When my son contacted him today he told him that he was going to send an email to my son which needed to be forwarded to me regarding the refinancing of our house. First of all, I'm really tired of all of this. Yesterday when I talked to him he told me that he decided that it didn't make sense to refinance now since I would be refinancing to get the house in my name when the D is final. He wanted me to call a broker and see what documents I would need and how long I would need to be at my job. The email tonight said the refinancing is approved, but the lender needs proof of our homeowners insurance. Please fax it. I just don't get all of this at all. He wants his name off the mortgage and said it didn't make sense financially to refinance because of the costs that will be tacked onto the new loan. He even said he would give me extra money for the next six months to a year until I refinanced on my own and lowered my payment. So why the 180 a day later? Because now he has decided that he wants the lower payment while the D is pending and he no longer cares whether thousands of dollars will be tacked onto the loan since it will be my responsibility later? I swear he is obsessed with the house and finances in general. I have gotten so many emails and letters regarding both. I haven't responded and don't plan on it. I need distance from him. I will no longer engage is conversations with him or anyone else who calls me names and who doesn't respect me. How's that for a boundary he can trust?
In my earlier post today I mentioned that I've been reading a lot about feminine and masculine energy. I realize that by taking care of the kids, house, bills, etc. I became the masculine energy in our relationship. I became frustrated because I wanted to be treated like the sensual woman that I am, but I was no longer in touch with that part of me. I took care of everyone else's needs instead of my own. Again, this is masculine energy. My H expected this from me since I was a SAHM. Well, one of the reasons he left is he felt that he didn't have a say in anything and that he had sacrificed his manhood. I would have to agree, but not for the reasons he thinks. Because he isn't a confident man he put himself in a position to feel the way he did and his expectations of me caused me to suppress my feminine energy. His very requirement of me caused his bad feelings about himself. I was thinking back to his on-line profile at a dating site where he stated "I know how to treat a woman." At the time I thought "you've got to be kidding me. I had wanted to be treated like a woman for the last few years and you did nothing for me." I'm starting to think that a big part of his crisis is his need to reclaim that part of himself. He needs a woman who can receive from him. I was fully functional and didn't rely on him for much even though I wanted to. He felt like he was just a paycheck and I felt like the maid. We had both forgotten about very important parts of ourselves. I might be wrong about all if this, but at the moment I'm pretty convinced that I'm on to something. I'm not sure how to use all of this to my advantage in my relationship with my H. I'm just going to focus on living more authentically, always being in touch with who I really am. It will take time to discover what this really means. I will also stop all pursuing behavior. I will be curious to see if and when my H notices my transformation. If he doesn't take notice someone else surely will.
The difficult thing for me has been my H notices, and then reaches out to me and I typically take the bait and that is not good.
There is a great site on the internet called Baggage Reclaim (google it, it's a relationship blog by a British woman).
She writes about emotionally unavailable men (who she calls ar$ehats) and fallback girls (that's us) ....
there's some great reference material and great food for thought on her pages - she makes so much sense, and when you understand what she's saying you realise that we live in fantasy relationships. We see the world and our partners as we want to see them, not how they really are - and we have to sincerely reflect on the way they have treated us and behaved in the relationship (their actions, not their words) to work our way through the crisis and out the otherside.
I really recommend the site to women who are co-dependent or with emotionally unavailable and immagure men .... or Ar$ehats!!!
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Walking your timing is amazing! I was just about to be the fallback, and was fighting it. Great to have a name for it. When I can put words on it I can stop it.....
Off to read!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
As much as I don't want to I will need to respond to my H's email about the refinancing. I'm in no rush, in fact, I'm going to wait until he follows up with me, unless I get advice here to respond now. I really want to formulate a response in advance so that I don't backslide. I'm still very much in the process of digesting all that I've read, so my response, for me, will show the woman I want to become even if I'm not there yet. I would really like suggestions. I want to come across like a confident woman who trusts her boundries. I want to be appreciative (DBing) of his efforts to better our financial situation, but I also have questions about whether this is in my best interest long-term or if this is a self-serving act. Also, since he has accused me of being controlling I want to ask enough questions that I can trust the situation, but after that I want to turn it over to him, giving him total control and giving him an opportunity to feel good about himself (and maybe me). I know this sounds really convoluted, but I really want to handle this in a DBing way without further sacrificing myself. I want to be consistent with changes that I have made so that he starts to trust those changes, but more importantly, I start to trust myself.
Just a thought.......it seems like you need to bide for more time. Time to get some sound financial advice from an objective source. How about saying to your H, and I might write it down in a letter or email, "thank you for thinking and watching out for all of us financially. I will need to give this some thought. Please give me a week, (or any set amount of time you think you need) and I will get back with you."
I have learned that short and sweet is better than too wordy while DBing. Be polite and respectful but don't give him any more information than you need to at this point. Let him know you appreciate his efforts, give a time line to get back to him and leave it at that. And then do your work and have his suggestions checked out by someone you trust. This is not devious as you are not working together as a husband and wife team right now. You definitely need to watch out for yourself and your children financially right now and to do that responsibly you need confirmation of his plan from someone other than him. He may react less than charmed by your response, and prepare yourself for this, but his possible displeasure does not mean failure. There will be alot of times he does not like your responses right now and he may buck you, because you are changing the dance between the two of you. Keep up your 180's. He will notice even if he does not let on. He is expecting you to react as you always have in the past, but you are NOT going to do that any more right?
