I guess I can be here now 2

[25yearsmlc]

Wow May,

some great observations & food for thought coming at you!

As Fig says, you are looking at him like a psychologist does, and that isn't helping you.

It might be helpful for you to use your training as a tool for YOUR behavior, but he's not your patient so maybe you can stop the diagnosing.

You already said that if he were to get help for his depression OR whatever ails him, that would mean something to you.

So other than him seeking help, the rest of these observations are not that helpful/relevant are they?

I can tell you one thing--as a L who examines/cross examines witnesses pretty effectively and who argues for a decision in her client's favor for a living,

I must force myself to lose that part of me when I'm communicating with h, especially if I want to connect with him at a deep & intimate level.

It's one thing to use my "logical arguments" to talk about which investment to make; but quite another to figure out how I can best listen to him talk to me about how HE feels.I have to drop the L hat. AND Keep my role as his wife, lover, life partner and bff as my priorities…I KNOW that's not always easy...

Ken's point about you becoming the WAS is probably tough to hear but dang...that might be b/c it's valid...?

Honey at times you are SO fair and objective, and then other times you are human like the rest of us, and tired, and sometimes you spiral down
and then You are not objective about your h's behavior

and you are not able to see ANY effort on his end. That's not really accurate though, is it?

Gabby's also suggested you take a look at him as a wife looks at her h, and I believe she & Figgeroni both mentioned that the anger you feel about the PAST (and to a lesser extent the present)

isn't supposed to be a "guide" for you...it's just your anger…for you to handle.

I wonder---seems You have admitted you have baggage from your past/parents that is UNrelated to your marriage OR your h -

...and even though you are a cognitively aware woman, AND a Therapist

your childhood stuff is STILL creeping in - (e.g., your feelings about your dad and your parent's marriage still haunts you-)

With that^^ in mind, 3 thoughts leap to my head.

1) YOUR marriage can haunt your d, OR be a source of comfort/stability in your d's life...

and;

2) you seem to be repeating a lot of what your mom did

(holding onto her perceived slights/hurts, with firmly gripped grudges, and

NOT forgiving & NOT letting go AND NOT forgetting...

only you LACK proof of an affair - AND your h isn't leaving you for OW--and yet you seem to want to assume the worst which I do not get...

b/c you are either replaying this OR you think assuming the worst "protects" you or...well---hey, You're the T , not me...you look at it and see what you think. Imagine your client told you her story and it was like yours…then what?

AND 3)

If you have your baggage, and if allow it as a partial explanation for your fears…

Wouldn't it be fairer to let your h have the same problem vis a vis the past family baggage of HIS, invading the present? -- b/c HIS family crap is real and it's a present day chronic problem.

Seems possible HIS STUFF is affecting him/the m, don't you think?

I know it Does not make it right or acceptable - but hey, don't let yourself off the hook b/c of the past and your lousy role models, but keep him on the hook for having similar baggage AND

No psych degree or half the tools you have!...

If You can use your past as a reason not to trust him (partially)

do you see how unfair it is for you not to let him use his past as....anything?

Just looking for you to apply the "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" deal...

you have so much going for you and I for one am still rooting for you. NOT saying that has to mean you stay m at all costs (no one ever suggested that)

but am saying from what I know of you

imo, you need to know YOU left no stone unturned trying to make this work. Don't forget the good times you two had.

Were they real? I mean = you said he was once a good partner. Do you still feel that way, prior to the pregnancy-

it's important to me to know whether that is true. IF you can tell, at this point.

Hang in there,

(((( ))))

PS

I'll be out of the loop a bit but will check in when I can. We all care May...