Any chance to make it work? I need advice

[sweetbabyred]

--journaling

I think the nights are the hardest. H would go out with friends, and me being an early bird, and usually working weekends, I'd usually turn him down. I'd tell him to have a good night and I'd be there when he got home. I'd stay in bed and read a book before going to bed early. And now I'm in my apt, reading relationship books, and wishing I still have the opportunity to go out with him. I was lazy and always thought I'd have another chance, so I can see why H would find an OW who just hangs out with friends all the time. Not that I agree with him finding someone else, but I can see the reasons. I'm an introvert and would much rather be at home w H, but I knew going out was important to him.

If I do get another chance, I'm going to try to make every effort to spend time with him around others, so that he doesn't feel as if he's alone when everyone else is coupled off, and let him know how much I appreciate him. Our M wasn't perfect, but I was happy and had no idea how much he was hurting. And I slept so much better when he was in the bed with me. When he traveled, I never slept as well and these months of being in this apt have been tough, although until about March, he'd invite me to sleep over pretty often. Even though I wasn't sure it was a good idea, I'd usually go over because I missed being with him and wanted to show him that I was trying.

I've always been the strong silent one and this past year has just unleashed all of these emotions. He'd been wanting those from me, and I just couldn't figure out how to do it until it was pretty much too late. I'm glad that I've found this site, because otherwise I'd be tempted to write all of my feelings in an email but that's never gone well. I can't give up on my M, but I just don't know what to do.

And it hurts when I realize that words of affirmation show him that he's loved, and I would nag about little things and he couldn't do anything perfect or fast enough. So even though I didn't realize it, I was showing him that I didn't respect or love him. None of the stuff I nagged about was really important in the grand scheme of things and it all seems so trivial now.

And my fear that he's spiraling into depression doesn't make me feel any better. I really had no idea what I was doing when I got into a relationship and it hurts that I'm only figuring it out when it may be too late to fix this one.