What is going on here... and what do I do?

[LIO]

Journaling:

I restarted my running program. I'm getting over a sickness, but ran 3 miles today. I've decided that I'm going to run a marathon. That will give me a start and finish. Unfortunately lots of time in my head too - but that's okay. In the past when I've run (I've only gotten to 1/2 marathon distance) I was in my head trying to figure out H. Today I was running and working on developing my goals further while I was out there. I had brief moments where I would think about the impending move date, but then I said to myself "I've done everything I can. I've given him information about the cycles, places he can go, and he needs to worry about himself if he wants to get better. I can only worry about me and S now." I had a good run. 15 lbs of stress pounds lost actually makes running easier.

I guess he called a therapist to go in and talk. Of course, I'm not supposed to 'know' that as he won't talk to me yet. Whatever. The reality of him moving is coming closer (plus it's about the end of his mania right now where life starts to look better to him). I don't know what will come of that, nor am I asking. He has his 'cycle' history from me in b&w. He's talking a little more to his dad. I don't take these as 'good'. The end of another cycle. I guess the difference for me is this I'm choosing to 'live' life without him instead of living it with him for 6 'good' months of the year. I told him at one point, 'I can't go through another winter.'

I actually wonder what a winter would be like when I am not consumed with someone else's depression, their moodiness. And me feeling lonely and disconnected.

I've got my list of goals to do now, and he knows I said "goodbye" already. I guess that's my 'closure'. I can't be part of that type of relationship anymore that I only get 'him' for 6 months of the year before the 'other' one comes and withdraws. I can't live that life anymore. I've got this person named "LIO" to now look after, who I've neglected for 6 months of a year for 10 years, and I've got a 5 year old who I need to keep an eye on (if this is bipolar - which it sounds like, it's genetic).

A relationship with him is a 50/50 shot. I don't *want* to give up on him... but it's a cycle, and as such I will give it up because I need to. I will have a better idea if this will work when I am healthier in my own head, and if he gets some help with his issue. Until then, I will be cordial, I will be nice. I will be receptive to him but only if I KNOW he is working on himself. I don't feel like 'grieving' my relationship in the way my counselor wants me to. I don't see the point. I see a man with an illness and it's getting worse. I have given him every resource I can. Now his life is up to him. He's a free bird now. I'm trying to rebuild MY life now. I can't compromise myself anymore to 'be' the perfect wife, the perfect anything. I want to enjoy life too instead of trying to balance all the plates up on the high wire. I don't want to slip in my confidence that sometimes shows up! I think that's my true self and it's time to be true to myself.