Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently

[sandi2]

I have been thinking on the questions you asked me.

"Do you think I did the right thing in supporting her trip to see her family with S even though it extends beyond parameters established by the court?"

First, let me say that you made a sacrifice in giving, when you gave her your time with son. I know it had to have been extremely difficult to tell her. However, I wished you would have waited longer before giving her your answer. I think it might have been better to tell her you would need time to think about it. I mean, like waiting for a few days to think it over, at the least. She will "respect" the wait. Maybe in the future you can slow your responses down a bit. (JMHO)

I have a couple of reasons for saying so. For one thing, it stings like heck already b/c you have been the one to adjust your time to her wishes. Either you share son's time with her (on your time) or you keep him so she can go out or when she's not feeling well, right? Now you've agreed to a good bit of the summer time to be spent away from you. Yes, it was a very generous and kind, supportive thing to do! Everyone applauds you. If you believe you made the right choice, then that's what's important. I know you are trying to make up for past issues. I just hope that she won't continue to take advantage of your intentions now.

Do you feel that she has you over the D barrel at moment? You have been the spouse who has made the changes. You are the spouse who wants to work on the M, now, without going to D. I think you keep looking for her to start to show signs of wanting the M to survive. The type of WAW that Michele refers to, is not the wife who leaves b/c she wants to begin working on the MR. The LBH who is trying so hard for so long can start to lose steam b/c he's looking at the W for signs. I think you'll agree you've watched your W for signs of wanting the M to work. It gets you down, doesn't it? Will a D change how you watch her to make a move that tells you something?

"How does a WAW "work on the relationship" especially after the D? What should I expect? Or should I expect nothing?"

I don't think she's going to work at a MR until she feels the desire to live the rest of her life with you, (including staying with you after the son grows up and leaves).. Listen Crimson, have the two of you spent any time together without the baby around? If it wasn't for him, would she have anything to do with you? (She freaks at the thought of going to dinner just the two of you alone, b/c of the word "date" may be attached in your vocabulary.) Maybe the child is the real reason you are desperately trying to keep her in the M. I have concerns that the time spent is always with the baby in between the two of you. Which leads to my next reason I wished you had thought longer before agreeing to let her take him.

I keep going back to her saying she was willing to work on the R....after the D took place. Well, I've heard others say their WAW wanted to get a D and then start dating each other, so even though it sounds crazy.....it's not the first. But I have to agree with 2pt (I think it was him) and ask your W up front just what does working on a R look like to her. She may be referring to a co-parenting relationship, instead of a marriage R! (Maybe you should ask her to be specific, instead of driving yourself crazy wondering about it.)

If the child she has presently is not her motive to stay with you, then it stands to reason that another child might not be reason to stay in the M with the father. I keep wondering about her wanting another baby with you but not sure she wants to be M to you? Why would she not think she had rather meet some man of her future and have his baby? IDK, it just doesn't quite line up. That's why I suggest you ask her, instead of heading for the divorce court blind as a bat, or assuming that she will stick to being "open" to working on the R. I don't like the way she said "open", as if she is going to tell you she never made promises to work on a R. She just said she would think about it.....(that's what being "open" means to me.)

As a rule, we usually say that when one is in the LRT, not to talk R. But in this case, I think you're very close to being past the LRT. I think it would be wise to ask what she means. Don't assume anything. Don't try doing this in a TM, either. Think of how to word your approach, since it doesn't take much to set her off. IMO, you deserve to know what the woman means when she says "open to working". and what kind of R and how that looks in her eyes. Is she referring to a friendship, or something more? IMO, it's down to the line and both of you need to know what the heck is going on.....what the other one wants to happen.

There comes a time that you have to take care of your future, Crimson. How long are you willing to continue doing exactly what you've been doing these past months? If you don't ask her what she means, you will continue through to the D and on down through time....wondering what she is thinking or what she intends or means by her statements. Just simply ask her to expound on it! Tell her to explain what she means so you won't misinterpret her statements. Wouldn't any adult respect a person for asking to clarify?

She tells you that it puts pressure on her, but somehow I don't think a D is going to cause her to start calling you or spending time alone with you, when she doesn't do it now. Being unavailable to her and spending your time with others (since you'll be free), just might redirect her thoughts, but I don't think just getting a legal D and continue doing what doesn't work....will change the outcome you desire.

"How does a WAW "work on the relationship" especially after the D?"

I don't think she will, unless you drop the rope.