I'm sorry, OnMyWay. I read your past last nite, and was THIS close to responding something like "So she had too much to drink and had sex with you; what has really changed? -- she's playing you", but I didn't want to discourage you in case I was wrong, and you didn't seem receptive to the approach that is necessary at this stage.
I know this stings, but THIS IS A BLESSING. This stuff -- affair-busting, divorce-busting, piecing when you're both ready -- is difficult enough when you DO know the truth of the situation. Trying to do it thru the fog is damned near impossible, and last nite your fog just cleared.
Use the clear skies wisely, as they do eventually cloud up again.
"I've been reconsidering divorce...On a scale of 1 to 10, the feeling is a 7.5" . . .
TRANSLATION: "Play nice, and we'll see if we can get this down to a 5 or a 6. F*%k with me, and this goes back to a 9.5."
OnMyWay,
In the above -- and in your original post about your wife's convo to which I was responding -- lies a clue about what I think you need to do.
Do you see how you responded to the fear of loss, and "played nice" ??
Well, that works with either party, too.
There's a truism around here that says "not until the betrayed spouse becomes the walkaway spouse, will you begin to re-attract your wayward spouse back to you."
I'm NOT advocating game-playing (altho it has its place, in my opinion -- it's all just basic "laws of human attraction" stuff). You should GENUINELY want to establish the kind of boundaries that we've been discussing with you recently, and you should GENUINELY, ALWAYS try to get to and remain in a place emotionally in your life where you are FULLY OKAY without your spouse (although you'd prefer to have them in your life). It's how we break co-dependency, and live more emotionally-healthy lives and exhibit the kind of strength and attractiveness that first attracted our wives to begin with.
For clarity about the 180, I believes she expects me to stew on this all day, and unleash holy hell later - she even commented as such. Always testing.
I'm going to let it go and focus on me. . . .
OnMyWay,
I could be wrong, but in reading your backstory, it seems to me that "letting it go" is hardly a "180" for you. In fact, I think that's what she expects you to do. Or perhaps you've been "passive-aggressive" in the past, and would veer between meekly letting things like this slide and then an angry outburst about it.
I think a middle-ground, "lovingly but firmly" as I mentioned above might be a TRUE "180" FOR YOU.
Starsky
btw, this ^^^ is what your wife will be expecting you to do today, and in the next few days. Either passively let it go, or pursue her all "melty man," or passive-aggressively do those things and holler at her.
Do neither. Lovingly but firmly tell her "I will not share my wife with another man. We've both made horrible mistakes in this area in our marriage, and I can now see the pain and the damage it does, and an affair is no way to deal with the problems we have in our marriage. I'm fully ready to address my parts of this, but NOT while you are in contact with another man. Looks like we both have a lot of thinking to do."
"Do neither. Lovingly but firmly tell her "I will not share my wife with another man. We've both made horrible mistakes in this area in our marriage, and I can now see the pain and the damage it does, and an affair is no way to deal with the problems we have in our marriage. I'm fully ready to address my parts of this, but NOT while you are in contact with another man. Looks like we both have a lot of thinking to do."
I really like this and it is perfect. I am concerned though that it blocks the possibility of going to the next Retrouvaille session. Does Retrouvaille offer any guidance?
Message delivered almost verbatim and left to "go for a drive." I'm taking myself out to my favorite greasy spoon for a nice breakfast. Not usually up this early. Looks like it is going to be a beautiful day.
oldtimer, I don't think this will block the possibility of going to the next Retrouvaille meeting, unless she decides to not break it off with OM, in which case it's not relevant anyway, as I've discovered my tolerance level for this.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
This is why I like to get people to -- when there's NOT a crisis on the table - -decide what their dealbreaker is going to be in terms of number of "strikes" on re-contact when two people are supposedly in no-contact.
One, but only if they self-confess? One, even if I have to find it out, but they then "come clean?" Two? Other?
Because once it happens, you're reeling, and it can be hard to think straight, and mistakes can be made in either direction (too lenient, or too strict). When YOU are calm, and in a good place, YOU should determine what YOUR line is. I knew what mine was, and I was really glad that I had "hidden it in my heart," as it were, because it helped me with forgiveness and to give her one more chance (I guess I kinda just said what mine was, lol).
She seems to be throwing herself into her school work and other activities, which have all of a sudden become the most important priority. She has to work in the morning, and her car is still broken down. She's going to go spend the night at a co-worker's house and ride in to work with her in the morning (same friend she lived with during our separation - I know it's her because I overheard the phone call). So, she's finally taking responsibility for herself.
I think this is a good idea. Now that she is on her "build up," she's not very pleasant to be around and the tension is becoming palpable. I need some breathing room to relax and enjoy myself with D9.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
She has to work in the morning, and her car is still broken down. She's going to go spend the night at a co-worker's house and ride in to work with her in the morning (same friend she lived with during our separation - I know it's her because I overheard the phone call). So, she's finally taking responsibility for herself . . .
Or, this is an "enabling BFF," covering for her. Wouldn't be the first time -- it's very common.
