It sounds as if you are the pursuer in the relationship and your husband the distancer. A quote from Deluca's book.... "The ONLY way a pursuer can improve a relationship with a distancer is to STOP ALL PURSUIT." The book was published in 1996 but I think you can get it from Amazon. When you get your hands on it go straight to chapters 8-10 and after you read those you can start at the beginning. The other excellent chapter in the book is chapter 3 on "reactivity". He gives excellent practical advice on how to end the cycle of reactivity in a relationship that does not yield good results.
I myself am a pursuer and my husband a distancer. We have been separated since this past Sept. It has been my experience that truly stopping pursuit does get their attention. Not that it necessarily ensures a successful re-uniting, but they do notice when you stop pursuing. And this can be tricky because they are used to being pursued and is a huge shift for you and them. The difficult thing for me has been my H notices, and then reaches out to me and I typically take the bait and that is not good. Another truism that Deluca explains in his book, is that until the actions of the distancer mirror his/her words, it is not sincere. Until there is consistency between the words and actions of the distancer he/she cannot be trusted to truly be ready to re-engage in the relationship. I have found this to be true.
